Today I broke my personal best record of most consecutive days alive.

Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?

Sometimes bad decisions are the high point of my day.

Spooning is great, but it's the sporking I'm looking forward to.

Behind every sexy woman, is a man looking at her ass.

Your meltdown could be someone else's inspiration.

Whoever invented being drunk. I love you.

I'd give you a piece of my mind. But I can't afford to let anymore of it go.

Sex without love is merely physical exercise. But that's really healthy, isn't it?

Adding "and shit" at the end of a sentence, can make anything sound thug.

If I had concentrated as much in school as I concentrate on Twitter now, well fuck, I don't know. But, whatever.

4 out of 5 voices in my head say to go back to sleep.

I tell myself, "no Twitter tonight". Then I take a little peek. And of course, you all suck me in like crack on a lollipop!

Act your rage.

Here's my life's story in a sentence ---> My Walmart shopping cart only has 3 functioning wheels.

Sometimes it's nice to speak without any fucking words.

Who in the fuck decided to call Worcestershire sauce Worcestershire sauce??!!

Your dirty words cleanse my soul.

Sometimes you just have to hang up the fucking boxing gloves. Seriously.

Skinned knees. A sign of good taste.