I would kill for a nice omelet and bj but looks like I am settling for some oatmeal and jacking off.

Will fuck for gas money.

I love you because you're a whore with a heart of gold.

You'll probably break my heart, but I'm going to enjoy the ride till then.

I am a a sucker for a curvy sarcastic woman

Fuck yeah I want dinosaur shaped chicken tenders! Are you kidding me!!

I followed most of you because someone RT'd you and found it hilarious then read your bio and TL and was hooked. You guys rule.

Homer J. Simpson and Al Bundy were the closest thing to a father figure I had growing up, which explains A LOT

Man cannot live on vagina alone, he also loves the butthole and blowjobs.

Hey Canadians I love you and never talked trash on you guys. So if shit hits the fan here can I crash over there for a while?

I play co-ed rec league Softball so ya I'm a motherfuckin athlete, SON!

Don't you think if Bone Thugs N Harmony read you a bed time story it'd be glorious? I'd bet it'd be glorious.

By the power vested in me by the Dollar Tree store in East L.A., I now pronounce you the owner of Magnum P.I. on vhs. Merry Christmas.

Drunk texts are always better to receive than to send.

So let me get this straight, Tupac and Biggie are gone and we are stuck with the likes of Whiz, Lil Wayne, and Drake? THAT'S FUCKIN BONK.

Being fat just means I have crazy Slip 'n Slide skills.

PSA time kids. Never attend the same swinger party that your parents are at.

Geraldo if you think hoodies are suspicious take a long hard look at your mustache, it makes you look like a pedophile.

Dear vagina even though we don't hang out much I will always love you!

Guys get raped too