So now that I've found you, Waldo, like what do we do now? Awkward.

Twitter: Where married men and losers can chat up women otherwise totally out of their league.

People who live in glass houses shouldn't manufacture methamphetamine in the living room.

Whenever I change my pubic hairstyle, I always write on my panties, "NEW LOOK, SAME GREAT TASTE!"

1 Mississippi is enough.

My boyfriend and I are having sex right now and by having sex I mean sitting on opposite sides of the couch watching the Science Channel.

I haven't bin laden about 3 months

I'm not possessed. I'm just doing the Electric Slide with my eyeballs.

That dirty hooker sure knows herpes and Q's.

You know who will go down in history? A time-traveling prostitute.

A squirrel just busted a nut outside my window.

Selling seashells on the seashore is like selling grass at the fucking park. Sally done played you.

A.) Good joke should B.) Clever if you C.) What I mean.

People in glass houses shouldn't crossdress while beating off to "Roseanne."

Yes I wanna read your blog...almost as much as I want to eat the jelly that comes in a can of Spam™.

When you think you've got it bad, imagine Edward Scissorhands. Horny.

For fuck's sake, bitch BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER!!! sorry

Twitter: Where the penises of horny married men yearn from a safe distance.

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If you hear the words "oh yeah, suck it" coming from my bedroom, it's probably just me vacuuming.