Wearing a rumpled trench coat and saying, "Just one more thing..." to everyone I see. I love Columbo day.

Separate whites and coloreds? Sorry Tide, I refuse to segregate. Burn your crosses in another washing machine.

I never really understood the whole mentality of the characters in Lord of the Flies until I got an email about donuts in the kitchen.

Saw a blind guy with guide dog cross on a red light.

Either the dog graduated at the bottom of his class or I almost saw an assassination.

Fortune from my fortune cookie: "Fuck you. I work in a fortune cookie factory." I mean, that doesn't even sound like they're trying.

I heard Daniel Day Lewis forced everyone in the audience to refer to him as "Daniel Day Lewis" to prepare for this role. #GoldenGlobes

My favorite kind of shampoo is a baseball cap.

The possibility of working late on a Friday fills me with bemusement. Bemusement means "murderous rage," right?

Pretty sure I just broke up an intimate moment in the bathroom. Either that or 2 guys were putting on an imaginary horse costume.

"Amateur magician" is just another way to say serial killer, right?

Just saw my neighbor peel out on his lawn and drive over his curb on his way to work. Apparently I live in Hazzard county.

If I were a Jedi Knight I'd totally hold a sandwich in one hand, a beer in the other hand, and masturbate.

If it were socially acceptable, physically possible, and somewhat pleasurable, I think I would make love to this honeycrisp apple.

Fell asleep in my car at lunch. I'm a newspaper blanket away from becoming a full fledged hobo.

3 y.o. came in and asked what "God" was, so I hid under a blanket and pretended I was asleep until she left. Who said parenting was tough?

I just ate a whole bunch of animal crackers. Or as I like to tell my kids, had an animal holocaust in my mouth.

walked in with an iphone in one pocket, ipod in another, & a Macbook slung over my shoulder. Saw apple pie on the table. I think it's a trap

Just passed a sign advertising "meat bingo." I've never wanted to go and not go to an event so much.

I like where this Octomom/Gosselin feud is going - each have their own tiny kid armies they can deploy.

Went to see Santa arrive in town. Daughter asked where Mrs. Claus was.

"At home, cleaning of course."

The women in the crowd loved me!