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You're never drinking alone when you've got the internet.
Don't tell them but... I write horrible things about illiterate people.
I put the "sexy" in "illiteracy".
Lifting weights and listening to Led Zeppelin. I'm one underage cheerleader away from full-on Kevin Spacey.
I take death threats very seriously. I even used fancy paper and double-checked all the spelling.
Sad fact: Children who grow up without Polaroid cameras will never know exactly *how* to shake it.
If you play that drum solo ONE MORE TIME, there *will* be repercussions.
Today my wife passed away. She went quietly and I made her smile a lot before she went.
Terrorists with a capital "Tea".
Sometimes "4 star hotel" means 4 porn stars have stayed there. In the same room. At the same time. With a camera crew. And a goat.
Judging by his physique, I'd guess Popeye's a pretty accomplished masturbator.
My hair needs more body, not vice versa.
The technical term for the moment just before masturbation?
Behind closed doors, Rachael Ray prefers the sluttier olive oils.
Not ALL Egyptians walk like that. Racists.
If it wasn't for the tiny flags, I never would've guessed that slob on a Harley eating MacDonalds in the Walmart parking lot was American.
My GPS has a lady-voice so I started flirting with her. Then she told me where I could go.
FYI: The Ghostbusters' number is no longer in service. I have no idea who I'm going to call.
Things I say hello to...
My ragtime gal.
Internet jealousy is measured in precise units, called butthertz.
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