Commas are the flip flops of sentences, whereas periods are a good shoe. And semicolons are a sandal with socks. #confusingwritingadvice

You want me to show this tattoo to that cat...and have the cat guess what it is?

cc: @thatbilloakley pic.twitter.com/SQ0DvaEW

I'm hungry. But not "walk to a food-place" hungry.

I still think Sam Elliott sitting in an easy chair reading plot summaries of "Glee" would be a better show than an actual episode of "Glee."

God dammit. Another Walmart that doesn't sell penny farthings. This is what's wrong with America.

Insomnia is something that happens to sad people when God takes out their sleepiness to make room for more sad. #JoeRecyclesOldTweets

Just shaved off my muttonchops...
Then spent 40 minutes sobbing and shouting to myself in the mirror, "What woman would want you NOW?!"

FUUUUUCCCK... This episode of "Reading Rainbow used to give me nightmares because...well you'll see... http://t.co/opXwOMw7
cc: @levarburton

This insomnia really makes me wanna kick the Universe right in the crotch.
@neiltyson, do you have the coordinates of the Universe's crotch?

The hard part of our crossover novel "Carly Beth and the Sorcerer's Stone" isn't writing it.
It's getting @rl_stine to write the foreword.

I can't wait for the "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" video game, "Woolfenstein 3D."

@theleanover That's the one that gives you pizza.

FINALLY... http://t.co/7DGKT6Re

When I win the lottery, I'm going to pay the Micro Machines commercial guy to narrate my life story.

SOMEONE IS GIVING AWAY TWO FREE HORSES ON CRAIGSLIST I NEED TO LOOK AT THE APARTMENT COMPLEX'S PET POLICY NOW

Not sure if this has already been done, but I feel like it needs to exist.

cc: @thatbilloakley pic.twitter.com/dl8XoQVu

Read an article saying guys who're nerdy, overweight, & have routine are better partners.
Look alive, ladies. Fresh slab o' Joe right here.

@theleanover Dumpster Girl / She's been living in her industrial waste disposal unit world / Bet she's nev-- HEY a sandwich! #HoboBillyJoel

I feel like I should make another tweet where I make the punchline a full line below the setup.

See? Like this.

Wikipedia is nonexistent as of current.

Just like me and meaningful social contact with other human beings.

Ba-dum-ching!!