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I like to wake up and smoke a joint to forget that i woke up.
The interveiwer said drug testing was required I said no prob. I test most of them on a daily basis... Still need a fucking job!
In retrospect nice rack probably souldnt have been the first words out of my mouth when that female offcer walked up to my car.
Back from the smoke break. Who knew you cant work for the police and have a blunt on your break? Court date in a month!
You can give a pot head a joint but teach him to grow it and he'll become your new dealer
I need a lunch break. By that i mean a six pack of beer and a few bong hits.
Called the wife to wish her a happy B-day she said she couldnt talk now she was getting B-day sex?
I greased the door knob on the restroom to fuck w/ my coworkers and rembered I work alone! I need a life and a rag.
All it takes to get me to follow you is one good tweet that makes me laugh. But you better pick it up my buzz is wearing off!
I made a Bullshit meter...Linked it to Twitter The Fucking thing blew up!
Just got thrown out of the pet store for making sex noises well the puppy humped my leg. Just tryin to help the little guy out!
Im going to sue the maker of these wine glasses when i got them the box said dishwasher safe & my wife still broke one
Sobbering up does not tweet well! I need to start tweeting on the weekends or start getting fucked up at work!
I cant wait till mom gets out of prison she grows the best pot.
Just got off the phone with the shop. Told me my give a fuck is still broke & may not be repairable.
My dog is so lazy hes making the cat lick his balls...WHAT WAIT! I have the smartest dog in the world!
When i get stoned in the morning i get nothing done. I think tomarrow ill try getting drunk!
What the fuck is up with #FB any way? My family all says i sould join. I sould just give them my twitter name than they would beg me not to!
Dear spandex companies making that shit in sizes larger than a 2 Stop it! & FUCK YOU!
For anyone who needs training i have mastered the arts of screwing off & screwing up perfectly. & i work cheap!
If Im not screwed up now give it 5min. Ill tweet something stupid!