If your avi is gonna be a pic of your feet, they could at least be holding a dick

I said to this lady "that doll looks like a real baby!" she said "doll? this is a baby" I said "oh, your creepy baby looks like a doll"

I'm not "drop everything and fuck me now" sexy. I'm more of a "help you pay all your bills and help raise your kids" kind of sexy

Anywho, I got a follower that's following no one else and has never tweeted. They're going to kill me, right?

Pineapples a great topping for pizza. Because it guarantees you'll be the only one eating it.

If I star and re-tweet your shit and you don't follow back, your an asshole #ImJustSaying

My dog always wants to hump my leg, this is not a problem, but, it's a girl, so she always wants to make out first.

Dear everyone who follows me but never stars my tweets, what the fuck?

When a woman puts she's in a relationship on her bio and "I don't flirt" I always picture her insecure jealous BF going thru all her tweets

My wife and I have an agreement. I don't get a Facebook page and she stays the fuck off of twitter.

Thanks to my iPhone, I can throw a blanket over my head and watch hardcore porn while on the couch with my family. Just like god intended.

Are you intelligent but you can't have children? Do the entire world a favor and adopt a child. We have enough stupid assholes raising kids.

Whoever said humans and dolphins are the only animals that have sex for fun, never seen my dog go nuts on my leg.

Popular Atheist Saying: don't let the door hit you where random molecules formed to give your body a way to release waste matter

Someone with a dozen 50 star tweets telling me not to sweat favstar is like telling me not to worry about my hunger while they eat a McRib

People only criticize you because they're jealous. It's not true, but keep telling yourself that.

The fatter you get, the more important baby powder becomes

My dog would give her life to protect her family, unless we were attacked by firecrackers.

You know what I can't stand? People who act like they get no enjoyment from twitter. So dump your 1000+ followers and get off it assholes

Every time a box of wine gets uncapped a hipster loses his wings