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I just served Ray Parlour a pint of Fosters.
You know you're single when you're eating jelly out of the bowl with your fingers whilst humming 'Back to Black' and crying at 3:03am.
"GRANT'S ERECT! GRANT'S ERECT!!!" - My friends last night, after someone touched my penis.
I wasn't erect.
I don't hate Miley Cyrus but she is like those people who try to talk to you whilst you've got your iPod on. I'm fuckin sick of her.
A girl just walked past my house talking to her boyfriend about how she was a slag back in the day but she's sorted herself out. She's 17.
I'm the guy drunk girls almost have sex with; before they ring their ex's for some drunk love.
Watching Chyna's porn movies is like watching a human sized clitoris getting beaten to death by multiple baseball bats that ejaculate after.
I have a teddy called Peanut that sleeps in my bed every night. I've accidentally cut a whole in it whilst removing a tag.
Shave my head or let it grow back?
The thunder just woke me up and I think I shat myself. Also my cat is outside somewhere, probably dead.
I've ate quite a lot of grapes today. So much in fact, that I'm calling myself GrapeInRealLife. There's no one here to talk to.
Ordering minestrone soup is funny, apparently.
I just plucked a few hairs from my arse and threw them on the ground so come at me bro.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
Amateur author and first man to survive an attack by Xenia Onatopp.