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You know you're single when you're eating jelly out of the bowl with your fingers whilst humming 'Back to Black' and crying at 3:03am.
@safcofficial - Anything I can do to help us keep Mignolet? I'm on minimum wage but I could spare a couple of quid a week.
"GRANT'S ERECT! GRANT'S ERECT!!!" - My friends last night, after someone touched my penis.
I wasn't erect.
A girl just walked past my house talking to her boyfriend about how she was a slag back in the day but she's sorted herself out. She's 17.
I'm the guy drunk girls almost have sex with; before they ring their ex's for some drunk love.
Watching Chyna's porn movies is like watching a human sized clitoris getting beaten to death by multiple baseball bats that ejaculate after.
I have a teddy called Peanut that sleeps in my bed every night. I've accidentally cut a whole in it whilst removing a tag.
HELP
MUSTNOTFUCK
I've ate quite a lot of grapes today. So much in fact, that I'm calling myself GrapeInRealLife. There's no one here to talk to.
#QuoteYourTeacher - "You're doing ICT and you don't know where the question mark is?! JESUS CHRIST!!!" (Ms. Reed).
I just plucked a few hairs from my arse and threw them on the ground so come at me bro.
Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
@trishdonttweet @raymangina @amandabynes - Hey hey hey, if its good pussy, it's good pussy. S'all I'm saying.
@goodballs @brgoodenough - Is that a spoonful of @brgoodenough's shit, or an actual spoon made of poo? Is that what a poon is?
It's so painful being a Sunderland supporter. More painful than it rightfully should. #SAFC
Possibly the luckiest we've been all season today. Still woeful going forward. #SAFC
Amateur author and first man to survive an attack by Xenia Onatopp.
