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You know you're single when you're eating jelly out of the bowl with your fingers whilst humming 'Back to Black' and crying at 3:03am.
"GRANT'S ERECT! GRANT'S ERECT!!!" - My friends last night, after someone touched my penis.
I wasn't erect.
A girl just walked past my house talking to her boyfriend about how she was a slag back in the day but she's sorted herself out. She's 17.
I'm the guy drunk girls almost have sex with; before they ring their ex's for some drunk love.
Watching Chyna's porn movies is like watching a human sized clitoris getting beaten to death by multiple baseball bats that ejaculate after.
I have a teddy called Peanut that sleeps in my bed every night. I've accidentally cut a whole in it whilst removing a tag.
I've ate quite a lot of grapes today. So much in fact, that I'm calling myself GrapeInRealLife. There's no one here to talk to.
Ordering minestrone soup is funny, apparently.
I just plucked a few hairs from my arse and threw them on the ground so come at me bro.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
It's very rare that I'm the most attractive person on the bus.
Amateur author and first man to survive an attack by Xenia Onatopp.