If Tipper gets half the internet, I hope she takes Facebook and not Twitter.

I'm pretty sure the point of life is to find the 1 person who's least annoyed by your personality & then try not to kill her until you die.

Um, well, those are certainly nice, but I asked if I could see your tweets.

Sleep clinic nurse said to keep my normal bedtime routine. So I begged her for sex until she left the room disgusted and now I'm tweeting.

You people who make up absurd locations for your twitter bio crack me up: In your pants, On the edge, Canada.

My 4 year old just put himself in time out. I'm certainly curious, but way too scared to ask why.

Twitter: For people who never received 'Do you like me?' notes in middle school.

Facebook: For people who always checked Yes.

The greatest trick the heat ever played was convincing the world it's the humidity.

For some reason I'm keeping my wife's brother's friend's dog this weekend. From now on, I'm counting apostrophes before agreeing to favors.

Finding a mom joke that hasn't been done is almost as hard as finding a mom who hasn't.

"Are you staring at her tits?"
"What? No, I'm thinking up a tweet."
...
"It's a tweet about her tits, isn't it?"
"Um, well, yeah it is."

The most effective digital media strategy is a strategically timed middle digit.

The only thing worse than having your original tweet mangled in a retweet is having it improved.

Explaining the Mad Hatter's unbirthday to your child is a decision you will regret 364 days a year.

Saving a tweet for the perfect time is like holding in a fart. Eventually, you'll find out how bad it stinks.

So what if I let my 6 year old watch Harry Potter. At least I don't tell him he'll spend eternity in hell if he doesn't believe it's true.

You'll bleed the first time, but after a few more you won't ever want to stop. Flossing is very important.

He picked one. ONE pack of pickled peppers. Now get back to selling seashells, you lisping loony.

Changing the world one Facebook protest group at a time.

Thanks to social media I no longer have to lie about only drinking socially.