Shia LaBeouf sounds like something a french person would say after a rotten fart.

Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are not constantly being objectified in popular music.

If Moses were alive now I think The Lord would be cool & give out the 10 Commandments on a convenient compact flash drive.

It's only camouflage if you're in the wilderness. Otherwise you're just wearing a douchebag uniform.

I like to think of anti-same-sex marriage protestors as pro-extramarital gay sex protestors.

The red shirt guys on Star Trek didn't actually die. They were just transported to an alternate universe where everyone works at Target.

If I made a vine, it would just be of all the weird faces my dog makes when I read your tweets.

Decided TV villains must be onto something. I plan to start prefacing everything I say with "mark my words."

If you're going to compare Obama to Nixon, then I'm just going to go ahead and compare Bush to Lucifer.

An Open Letter from a “Fat Chick” to Mike Jeffries, CEO of @abercrombie. |  http://bit.ly/13BFwi9 

I already know what I'm going to name my first kid. If it's a boy, Harry. If it's a girl, GirlHarry

This fucking iPhone better have my back when I actually have to type ducking.

"Backpack Backpack"

"Backpack Backpack"

is the extent of my Spanish.

"We've secretly replaced his alarm clock with a feral toddler, let's see if he notices!"

I'm not crying. I just got a little bit of Tori Amos in my eye.

The last 2 years of my twitter have been nothing but a fuck you to the dude that told me women aren't funny. HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW, BITCH?

I've made peace with the fact that I probably won't outlive the Fast & Furious franchise

My drivers side window won't roll down. I'm going to starve to death.

It's called dyslexia, asshole. Read a koob!

"Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"What are you doing?"

"Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter."