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You know when you send someone a text the first time and it doesn't turn blue? How do you move beyond that?
I haven't cleaned my fridge in so long that something just climbed out of it, crawled across the floor, took my car keys and left.
Happy Hanukkah Thanksgiving, when we remember how the Pilgrims sent Moses from England to Plymouth to light the menorah!
The more the GOP talks about birth control, the more you realize their sex education comes from women trying get out of having sex with them
Some bitch just dialed the wrong number and I actually had to get out of bed, like some kind of fitness freak, to answer it.
I bet there'd be less burglary if the punishment was to watch Dr. Phil sing "Wrecking Ball" wearing nothing but a cable knit sweater.
NJ's Governor Christie was just busted masturbating in a movie theater to footage of hurricane sandy.
Bathroom stalls w/o purse hooks are fucking primitive. My mom didn't come to this country so I could shit with my backpack on
I don't like being caressed. It's just slow motion tickling.
Gonna name my kids Impartial and Apathetic. Impy and Appy for cute little nicknames. I won't care what they do with their lives.
How many lines of node.js will fix America?
I'm tempted to get the Angry Birds costumes for my three boys, but I fear the damage to the house would be irreparable.
Jesus had 12 more friends than most of the atheists on Twitter.
We may not agree on politics or religion but let's all agree that if your pinterest craft calls for 200 plastic spoons, no one wins.
Kids are dressing this Halloween as Ted Cruz. They're going to stand at your door for 21 hours talking about why you shouldn't give handouts
When she writes the song about being 42, I hope Taylor Swift rhymes "surprise" with "pubic hair growing down the insides of my thighs".
John Boehner: "The US is headed toward credit default if Obama doesn't agree to ALL our demands, plus any new demands we think of later."
The prequel to 16 & Pregnant could be called “15 & Fully Trusted By Her Parents to Make Good Decisions. We Love You Brittani!”
I talk about my kid, music, design, travel and how little I sleep.