Ladies, stop faking your orgasms, you're ruining a whole generation of men who think they're doing it right.

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

You're at your best when she is smiling because of you.

Life is just an f in Lie.

Sex? (a) yes; (b) a; (c) b

You can't fucking accept terms and conditions of porn sites faster than me.

I may joke a lot about my wife and sons but the truth is I love & appreciate them. Without them I would be single, lonely and debt free.

Nice try, people who are not following me yet, nice try.

First rule of every rule is to break the shit out of it.

Removed all the mirrors from my house. I was so tired of living with that asshole.

Vagina is a super power.

I don't want a lot of followers. I just need one really talented follower. And, she will follow me upstairs to bed every night.

You keep on making mistakes and I'll keep on forgiving you. Don't know if you remember but we are in love.

Drunk me is far better than me.

Him: My watch says you're not wearing Panties. Her: But I'm wearing it. Him: My watch is 10 min ahead.

11/11/11 looks like an Ethiopian family photo.

I'm not getting enough of everything I want.

People make mistakes or mistakes make people? I'm confused.

You are not what you tweet, you are what you don't tweet because of embarrassment.

You people are not regular humans for sure.