"What? Where?" -owl on some next level shit

Pigeons always look like they're jamming out to an invisible iPod.

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I'm a snake now and I typed this with my head.

Don't forget!
• Eggs
• Milk
• Toothpaste
• Cheese
• Hot dog buns
• 9/11
• The Alamo
• Dre

Funny prank: Put a cinder block in someone's pillowcase and right when they say "What the fuck?!" let like six wolves into their room.

Have you ever been really thirsty and really bored at the same time? That's how houseplants feel all the time.

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

Facebook girls: "Tell me I'm pretty."

Twitter girls: "Tell me I'm funny."

Real life girls: ??? (No clue. Never talked to one.)

You wake up from a nap. The silence is piercing. You check your most recent tweet and it has been retweeted by 170 eggs. Only eggs.

Fun Fact: 100% of people don't know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else's house.

How to be an upstairs neighbor:
» Let a deer run free in your apt
» Chase it around
» Put it in a headlock
» Tackle it to the floor
» Repeat

Crabs always look like they're walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

By the way, let the record reflect that I inadvertently created the international emoticon for bipolar disorder today : ) :

ןoן ʇɐq ɐ ɯ,ı

"Can you hear me God? It's me, Mantis."

--praying Mantis

People who call radio stations and request songs, what are you even doing?

Those spare buttons sewn into your shirt are the designer's way of saying: "Life can get crazy, man. Here, have some extra buttons."

Text your dad "egg salad sandwich" four times in one day. He'll probably think his phone is broken.

My favorite part of Home Alone was when Kevin had that party with a bunch of mannequins. What a little psycho.

Does anyone know what this crop circle means? We've been staring at it for two hours. http://t.co/M5xX8uGH