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Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I'm a snake now and I typed this with my head.
You wake up from a nap. The silence is piercing. You check your most recent tweet and it has been retweeted by 170 eggs. Only eggs.
"What? Where?" -owl on some next level shit
Pigeons always look like they're jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don't know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else's house.
• Hot dog buns
• The Alamo
Funny prank: Put a cinder block in someone's pillowcase and right when they say "What the fuck?!" let like six wolves into their room.
There's no non-creepy way to look out a window.
Have you ever been really thirsty and really bored at the same time? That's how houseplants feel all the time.
How to be an upstairs neighbor:
» Let a deer run free in your apt
» Chase it around
» Put it in a headlock
» Tackle it to the floor
ןoן ʇɐq ɐ ɯ,ı
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
"Can you hear me God? It's me, Mantis."
People who call radio stations and request songs, what are you even doing?
Crabs always look like they're walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Side effects of marijuana may include getting super weirded out by meaningless texts and eating 45 bowls of cereal.
Facebook girls: "Tell me I'm pretty."
Twitter girls: "Tell me I'm funny."
Real life girls: ??? (No clue. Never talked to one.)
My favorite part of Home Alone was when Kevin had that party with a bunch of mannequins. What a little psycho.
Kristen Stewart always looks like she just found out someone stole her bike.