You wake up from a nap. The silence is piercing. You check your most recent tweet and it has been retweeted by 170 eggs. Only eggs.

"What? Where?" -owl on some next level shit

Pigeons always look like they're jamming out to an invisible iPod.

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I'm a snake now and I typed this with my head.

Don't forget!
• Eggs
• Milk
• Toothpaste
• Cheese
• Hot dog buns
• 9/11
• The Alamo
• Dre

Funny prank: Put a cinder block in someone's pillowcase and right when they say "What the fuck?!" let like six wolves into their room.

How to be an upstairs neighbor:
» Let a deer run free in your apt
» Chase it around
» Put it in a headlock
» Tackle it to the floor
» Repeat

Have you ever been really thirsty and really bored at the same time? That's how houseplants feel all the time.

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

Fun Fact: 100% of people don't know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else's house.

ןoן ʇɐq ɐ ɯ,ı

"Can you hear me God? It's me, Mantis."

--praying Mantis

Side effects of marijuana may include getting super weirded out by meaningless texts and eating 45 bowls of cereal.

Crabs always look like they're walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

People who call radio stations and request songs, what are you even doing?

Does anyone know what this crop circle means? We've been staring at it for two hours. http://t.co/M5xX8uGH

Facebook girls: "Tell me I'm pretty."

Twitter girls: "Tell me I'm funny."

Real life girls: ??? (No clue. Never talked to one.)

My favorite part of Home Alone was when Kevin had that party with a bunch of mannequins. What a little psycho.

Kristen Stewart always looks like she just found out someone stole her bike.

Ladies, men don't even know whether or not you have bangs.