My girlfriend broke up with me and sent me pics of her and the new boyfriend in bed. Solution???... I sent them to her dad.

1 thing I wont joke about on twitter?...white people. Weve been thru enough.

I just beat the shit outta my wife and locked the kids in the closet for a Klondike bar. What would you do?

Never fuck a chick with a bigger dick then you....trust me.

The next chick who DMs me her tits gets unfollowed. Just kidding. Someone send me one. Please.

I wish I was mexican so I could enjoy all the fat ugly white Bitches I keep fuckin.

Drove all the way to the Progressive building and that stupid bitch from the commercial wasn't even there.

I just got the best rim job... Yes, My wife made me clean the toilet.

Just took a nasty shit.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me "a son of a bitch".

Vicodin makez you think think things u don't mean.:-)

Is Annie ok now that Michael is dead?

Woman just don't understand how hard her period can be for a man to suffer thru.

If I was gay, I would totaly let Barack Obama suck my dick.

Take a good look before you start jerking off. pic.twitter.com/rK0CJCKt

Should have known it wouldn't work with my wife. I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

Favstar is for the people who think they actually have a chance at being a comedian. Good luck.

Nothing worse than following a chick cuz of her hot avi. Only to enlarge it and find out she's hideous.

Twitter sucks. Keeps following and unfollowing for me. I'm gonna check out my MySpace account.

I shaved my balls for surgery tomorrow. Its on my knee but just in case the nurses sneak a peek. Ya know.