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I will never go bungee jumping. A rubber breaking was the reason I was born, it sure as hell isn't going to be the reason that I die.
Drinking by yourself is like masturbation... Everyone does it, not everyone admits to doing it.
So theoretically you could kill a vampire with a pencil. Right?
Happy #420, or to my Jewish friends, Bong-Kippor.
It's never a good sign when you have to buy 2 plane tickets for your mail order bride.
When I'm at the grocery store, I like to look at the cashier and say, "I see you checking me out girl!"
"If I can remember the color of your eyes after the first date, your boobs are too small." -My Friend
I like my politicians like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee. #GOP
The most fake thing I have ever seen is watching two girls meet each other for the first time.
The world is my oyster. And I'm allergic to shellfish.
When in Rome, do as the Griswalds do. #TweetTheJoke
I'm sure the people from the 1940's would be really impressed by the fact that we've invented Snuggies and not flying cars.
DON'T DRIVE DRUNK. From 6pm-6am on New Year's Eve/Day AAA will take your drunk self & your car home for FREE, member or not: 800-222-4357
just heard this... "Let a woman wear the pants in a relationship...they're coming off later anyways!" #AnEnlightenedMale
Turns out the gym isn't a good look for me.
The "XXX Olympics" are not what I thought it would be when I excitedly read my tv listings.
Tragedy is just comedy that hasn't found it's audience.
I'm a Comic/Actor/Writer/#Cigar Snob. My mother is Salvadorian, & my father is Armenian. I am everything Toby Keith hates about America. Sometimes NSFW.