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My kids all have the same birth defect. They think life isn't fair and that I'm to blame.
Was gonna change my avi but realized that I'm a guy & nobody wants to see my cleavage.
That whole food pyramid thing was proven to be a hoax, right? I mean, there's no alcohol group.
I'd like to get bitten by a radioactive baby and never have to shave again.
I'm not a doctor, but I believe this gingerbread man has appendicitis.
Wife keeps asking for sex, but my Uncle Flo is here.
I once killed a man just to hear a Johnny Cash song.
If you're reading this in church, get me one of those wafers.
I want my kids to learn the true value of money, so I charge them for my parenting services.
Just once I'd like to be able to install software without having to lie about reading the terms & conditions.
Do women like to be touched here? How about here? There? That's sick, I'm not touching you there.
Jesus has wine for breakfast and he’s a “savior”. I have wine for breakfast and I’m an “alcoholic”.
I want more coffee, but the pot is way over there and I'm just a man, not some kind of super coffee getting guy.
I would take a bullet for any one of you. If it was thrown. Not shot out of a gun. That would be crazy.
Constipation is your body's way of agreeing with us that you're full of shit.
Does this comic book make me look like a geek?
If I ever have to measure my penis I'm going to use the metric system.
Watch out for Ugly People with Mistletoe.
Wife is wearing her 'don't touch me' tshirt as pajamas. Apparently this would be a good night to catch up on some reading.
Asked the secretary if she could give me a hand with this job. Look of dismay on her face leads me to believe she heard that wrong.