Your bedroom eyes are being canceled out by your kitchen body.

I'll admit, quitting Twitter was good for me; I was productive and took care of myself.

But I'm sorry, that's just not who I am as a person

By looking at you I knew you were geeky and not my type.

Now that you're closer and blasting Euro-Techno, I'm compelled to step on you.

Blank stares, glassy eyes, incomprehensible speech..

Yep, just another average day with my students.

A therapist once told me to practice my breathing every time I take a Xanax.

Sufficed to say I'm now an excellent breather.

Tweeting in a 15 MPH school zone. No, don't worry, I don't have kids.

I have a Master's degree in education; I can now say I'm smart enough to hit the gym and kick-start my stripping career.

Watching Hoarders always gives me the peace to put off cleaning yet another day.

However I'm frantic because I can no longer find the T.V.

It's difficult keeping up with the crazy tweets you guys come up with; I'm just normal.

I don't eat feces or rape horses.

Anymore.

Just ate a slice of Swiss cheese on the toilet while peeing.

Gross yes, but I assure you I thoroughly washed the finger that got peed on.

I heard leaving a little on your plate after eating you'll lose weight.

Was hard, but after licking the plate around that bean, I left it.

On the side of a van: Small Package Delivery Service.

I know there's a joke in there somewhere other than the poor sap in the driver's seat

There's a fine line between your pants when you have a camel toe.

That girl's boobs are even making me feel uncomfortable.

You can only buy that kind of power.

Student just asked me who Brad Pitt was.

Shocking, I know.

I spend hours, days, weeks imparting this knowledge and they retain nothing.

Declined a date in an effort to not look desperate.

I now have time to star tweets of people who don't follow hoping they'll notice.

Lately I feel like I'm just not fitting in...


Life, Twitter, my pants, my car...

Boy: I've got feelings and she hurt them all.
Me: Don't worry now, surely with your low IQ and poor genes things will be much worse later.

All the money I've spent on Victoria's Secret push-up bras could have landed me real fake boobs.

My tweets are my property.

To steal them means you are violating the Unintellectual Property Law.