The past, present and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

When I'm depressed I drink Johnson's baby shampoo - no more tears.

You're the she to my nanigans.

"YOU NEVER FUCKING LISTEN." ~ History.

One man's cougar is another man's grandmother.

I'd piss on you even if you weren't on fire.

You don't know what you've got til somebody else really wants it.

Retweeting a typo or bad grammar shows that you get what they meant, and you have faith that your followers are not idiots.

If you have kids, they are the greatest things ever. If you haven't got kids, then I'd say don't.

When I'm not daydreaming about the zombie apocalypse decimating the human race & society as we know it crumbling, I'm daydreaming about you.

The Bible is just a manual retweet that got out of hand.

My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.

All I want to do is make you glad you made all those bad decisions in life that meant we met and are now together.

Fuck you, stupid fucking everything that gets in the fucking way of two hearts being together.

I'm so addicted to Twitter my heart beats at 140 beats per minute.

Women who say "size doesn't matter" are just shallow.

My spirit animal is Eeyore.

I'm so lazy I don't understand, I undersit.

I don't like dictatorships. All dictators should be shot, and if anybody disagrees with me, they should be shot as well.

If Doctor Seuss was my dad, that would be pretty rad.