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Is there any place more depressing than the outdoor employee smoking picnic table at Wal-Mart?
This dog crate looked a lot more comfortable from the outside.
There is no greater awareness of indoor sports than getting hit in the head with a lacrosse ball. Oh, and by the way, you're grounded.
The first haircut I gave myself was so bad that I had to make myself a mixtape.
"Baby, I'd pound you like 6lbs of hamburger." Porno butchers, probably
Should I be worried if my wife is taking notes while we're watching Criminal Minds?
I don't usually brag about my parallel parking skills, but this space was tighter than Rosanne Barr's wetsuit.
Didn't realize I had a nervous tic 'til I came home from the auction with all this shit.
Accidentally played an auto-tune song and now the cat won't stop humping the speaker.
Ran my 4X4 through a puddle and my Truck Nuts shrank all the way to the bumper.
Movie theater popcorn hangovers are the worst.
Here I sit, broken hearted; was way too slow, and in my pants I sharted.
-Me at the laundromat-
I'm glad they ran out or CSI shows before they ran out of Who songs.
Never marry a bikini waxing hobbyist who majored in landscape architecture. My pubic topiary itches like crazy.
Hate this out-of-balance washing machine, but every 3rd load I get to pretend I'm in a Mexican rodeo.
This documentary on Bath Salts is making me glad I went straight to dropping acid.
I don't understand how the white chocolate in Ben & Jerry's can be so delicious, and so racist at the same time.
47% of me is really hoping you pick up this lunch tab.
Amazing that the spontaneous anti-American protests in the Middle East have printed placards in English.
Innocent critter, squashed on the highway of life.
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