Bunk beds in a room with a 52 inch ceiling fan has You Tube written all over it.

Is there any place more depressing than the outdoor employee smoking picnic table at Wal-Mart?

This dog crate looked a lot more comfortable from the outside.

There is no greater awareness of indoor sports than getting hit in the head with a lacrosse ball. Oh, and by the way, you're grounded.

The first haircut I gave myself was so bad that I had to make myself a mixtape.

"Baby, I'd pound you like 6lbs of hamburger." Porno butchers, probably

Should I be worried if my wife is taking notes while we're watching Criminal Minds?

I don't usually brag about my parallel parking skills, but this space was tighter than Rosanne Barr's wetsuit.

Didn't realize I had a nervous tic 'til I came home from the auction with all this shit.

Accidentally played an auto-tune song and now the cat won't stop humping the speaker.

Ran my 4X4 through a puddle and my Truck Nuts shrank all the way to the bumper.

Movie theater popcorn hangovers are the worst.

Here I sit, broken hearted; was way too slow, and in my pants I sharted.
-Me at the laundromat-

I'm glad they ran out or CSI shows before they ran out of Who songs.

Never marry a bikini waxing hobbyist who majored in landscape architecture. My pubic topiary itches like crazy.

Hate this out-of-balance washing machine, but every 3rd load I get to pretend I'm in a Mexican rodeo.

I don't understand how the white chocolate in Ben & Jerry's can be so delicious, and so racist at the same time.

47% of me is really hoping you pick up this lunch tab.

Amazing that the spontaneous anti-American protests in the Middle East have printed placards in English.

Guy attacks his girlfriend with wasabi sauce. She retaliates, but misses. She shouldn't have used duck sauce.