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Is there any place more depressing than the outdoor employee smoking picnic table at Wal-Mart?
This dog crate looked a lot more comfortable from the outside.
There is no greater awareness of indoor sports than getting hit in the head with a lacrosse ball. Oh, and by the way, you're grounded.
The first haircut I gave myself was so bad that I had to make myself a mixtape.
"Baby, I'd pound you like 6lbs of hamburger." Porno butchers, probably
Should I be worried if my wife is taking notes while we're watching Criminal Minds?
I don't usually brag about my parallel parking skills, but this space was tighter than Rosanne Barr's wetsuit.
Didn't realize I had a nervous tic 'til I came home from the auction with all this shit.
Accidentally played an auto-tune song and now the cat won't stop humping the speaker.
Ran my 4X4 through a puddle and my Truck Nuts shrank all the way to the bumper.
Movie theater popcorn hangovers are the worst.
Here I sit, broken hearted; was way too slow, and in my pants I sharted.
-Me at the laundromat-
I'm glad they ran out or CSI shows before they ran out of Who songs.
Never marry a bikini waxing hobbyist who majored in landscape architecture. My pubic topiary itches like crazy.
Hate this out-of-balance washing machine, but every 3rd load I get to pretend I'm in a Mexican rodeo.
I don't understand how the white chocolate in Ben & Jerry's can be so delicious, and so racist at the same time.
47% of me is really hoping you pick up this lunch tab.
Amazing that the spontaneous anti-American protests in the Middle East have printed placards in English.
Guy attacks his girlfriend with wasabi sauce. She retaliates, but misses. She shouldn't have used duck sauce.
Innocent critter, squashed on the highway of life.
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