I almost called in sick today because my steering wheel was too cold

How many organs would it take to pay off my visa

I just bought a fog machine so my dance routine just got a little more intense

Turns out buying that meth lab on craigslist was illegal

Note to self do not put on the socks I find under the bed

My daily workout starts with me lifting a 5 pound weight and ends with me crying on the floor listing to total eclipse of the heart

Tear jerking is not what I thought it was

have your ever been so drunk that your family had to convince you that you weren't a muppet?

I tried to be a mortician but I couldn't hide my erection

Waking up sick when you go to bed perfectly fine is lifes way of saying surprise mother fucker

Instead of telling my family I'm watching keeping up with the kardashians I tell them I'm watching porn somehow that sounds better

This one eyed cat is so fucking unsettling where did it come from where is its eye i cant live like this

This I learned from the Titanic 1.don't be poor and 2. Fuck boats

Maybe if that light would stop flashing telling me my battery is low it might last a little longer

I was classically trained in the art of being awesome

I honestly don't think I should legally have the right to vote

I'm pretty sure spiders go out of their way to make webs at face height

I'm like a black mother when it comes to my case of beer

Just blame everything on the juggalos they wont mind

How does one go about becoming the sultan of swing