Two things:

1. There are no ugly girls. Everybody is beautiful in their own special way.
2. Just kidding.

My tweets: Shit I think is funny.
My retweets: Shit I know is funny.

Just once, I want to hear a suicide hotline operator say, "Wow, your life is fucked up."

Girls who don't want to go out with me have either read my jokes or have looked at me.

#askbieber What is coming out first: You, or your album?

A new British beer contains Viagra. Let me suggest a name: Mike's Hard.

When life hands you melons, you're dyslexic.

Congrats to Justin Bieber, who turned 18 today, and is now legally a woman.

What's the difference between a cup of water and Casey Anthony? People are happy that a cup of water is free.

"Hate is a strong word." - people I hate

Beyonce is reportedly pregnant. Jay-Z now has 100 problems.

Buffaloes have been around for 200 years. Talk about a bison-tennial.

Kirk Cameron is proof that Christianity makes some people batshit crazy.

A greeter for the Heart Attack Grill died of a heart attack. News of his death has raised some concern at the Butthole Cancer Pizzeria.

My mom once referred to a butt dial as a “Booty call”. In public #soembarrassing

"Pitches ain't hit" - How Dr. Dre calls a strikeout

In California, gas prices are so high, even Snoop Dogg is getting concerned.

Casey Anthony says that she has "a lot of regrets". Let's hope killing her daughter is one of them.

Demi Lovato and Wilmer Valderrama are dating? Nobody cares about that little Mexican boy. Oh, and nobody likes Wilmer, either.

"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree