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Justin Bieber won the Milestone Award at the Billboard Music Awards. The "milestone" is more commonly known as "puberty".
.@prodigalsam id rather have 1.5k followers and earn them all than have 120k and steal jokes to get them. any day of the week. #zerorespect
In Touch Magazine says Kim Kardashian fears Kanye West is gay, which explains why he thinks Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.
Most people see a disgraced beauty queen who's life has been ruined because of sex, drugs, and alcohol.
I see a reason to visit Delaware.
FUN FACT: 74% of the world's earthquakes are caused by Prince Fielder's home run trots.
This joke is quite popular amongst my peers. If you have thirty seconds to kill, check it out. http://rooftopcomedy.com/watch/HeliumSuicide …
My most popular tweet currently has 666 stars. Finally, my Twitter account has a problem that doesn't involve not being funny.
I thought the future would have time machines and flying cars. Now I know it's just a bunch of handheld devices that turned us into idiots.
If you run a parody account that steals jokes from comedians, please do the world a favor and shove a running chainsaw up your ass.
I had a couple Angelina Jolie jokes but I had a doctor remove them both from my draft folder.
.@drake can you please just sleep with amanda bynes so she'll shut up?
Don't forget to talk to that special someone on this very special day! pic.twitter.com/puX0rQreiM
Remember all those Kristen Wiig sketches that you got tired of after two times? Well get ready for every single one of them. #SNL
I had a blast performing with @lynchcarmen @tomabrady and @sparktabor at Go Bananas last night. If you're in Cincy, check these guys out.
"Jared: The Galleria of Jewelry should have a spokesman named Subway." - another glimpse into the dumbass thoughts of Alex Schubert
I'm just as disappointed in me as you probably are.
