Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

"I'm not like most girls." - Most girls.

Facebook, where you lie to all of your friends. Twitter, where you tell the truth to absolute strangers.

The Bible is a lot like those online Terms of Use Agreements. Everyone says they agree with it, but very few people actually read it.

Today I sent out a text saying, "hey I lost my phone, will you call it?" 10 people called me. The moral of the story I need smarter friends.

Sometimes I feel like the only Fruit Loop in a bowl full of Cheerios.

So you're a Christian, but you're a drug dealer.

Crystal Methodist?

Most of my tweets only get 5 stars while everybody else is in the 100s. I think its because I'm white.

I want my tombstone to say, "Died from not forwarding that text message to 20 people in the next 5 minutes."

When I walk out of my house and hear an owl, I scream "Me motherfucker!!" as loud as I possibly can.

It should be legal to kill at least one dumb fuck a day.

I had a 3some once, then when I sobered up I realized it was just 1 really fat girl.

I'm just a man, standing in front of a girl telling her that even if she loses all her hair, she'll still be a 10.

Your past only matters to people when your future starts looking good.

Dont say u just had a newborn. If u say "just had a baby" the newborn part is assumed. No1 thinks u just pushed a 12yr old out of ur crotch.

Vegans should really try to save the animals and quit eating all their goddamn food.

Ladies, if he smells nice, he's hitting on you.

If you're Googling "How to be funny on Twitter" that's your first mistake.

If you're on Twitter talking about how "gangsta" you are. Never mind, I was taught not to be mean to retards.

Hey girls, no guy just wants to be your friend, unless he's gay. Quit playing dumb, you know better than that shit.