I just wanna see you... naked, forever.

Let me paint this picture for you.... with my dick.

@ashleyepling23 I liked it so much I'm sitting here looking over all the notifications slow jacking with my left hand.

If Jesus had Twitter I'd totally be winning. He only had 12 real followers.

@roguegod Congrats on that child too my friend.

Get out of my ear you crazy beard I got no time for cuddles right now.

In case you were curious... My pee is so yellow it stains the things I piss on.

If I bring you flowers on our first date ever, then its probably your last date ever.

I feel sorry for you people sometimes... Always having my random shit popping up in your TL.

Okay.... Who would win in a dance contest... Michael J. Fox or Muhammad Ali?

First poop in 3 days!!! Woo!!!

Can't believe my rape joke did so horribly today. Don't tell me you fucks developed sensitivity over the weekend.

I saved a girl from getting raped last night. I ran out of breath so I stopped chasing her.

Dear electricity, if you're going to go out while I'm at work stay the fuck out. Don't threaten me with a good time.

I was born with a curse.... I trust too much.

Thanks @chopper4jk for the cup... Stay awesome!  http://favstar.fm/t/331603721496698880 …

Anus juice!

I despise when a typo ruins a tweet.

You peaked at conception you fucking failure.

Did I shave my nuts for this?