Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn't actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

Do foot fetishists know about vaginas?

I was wondering what meat was in my Big Mac, but then I looked at Ronald MacDonald's scary clown smile, and I knew that it was children.

It's about time they updated the marriage vows to "Till death, boredom, lies, abuse and/or infidelity do us part."

Giving a man 'the silent treatment' is like giving a girl a spanking. It's meant to be punishment, but it really, really isn't.

"A friend is a single soul, dwelling in two bodies."

- Paris Hilton.

Just kidding, it was Aristotle... But can you imagine!?

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

I told my girlfriend I wanted to do things to her that were illegal in some places.
She thought I meant filthy sex. I actually meant murder.

When Joaquin Phoenix goes on skiing holidays, he's Joaquin in a winter wonderland.

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

Say what you want about me, BUT YOU LEAVE THE HORSE I RODE IN ON OUT OF THIS.

Just unblocked a vacuum cleaner with a coat hanger, so I guess I've technically qualified for a Mexican medical license.

It's a good thing I'm not Batman, because there's NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

There are two types of women:

Those I'd fuck, and those I'd fuck if I'd been drinking.

I think (I'm awesome), therefore I am (awesome).

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep 'sheeps' and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

The difference between Twitter and real life?

I'm quite familiar with Twitter.

It's funny; I can see your lips moving, but all I can hear is the voice in my head advising me how to successfully dispose of your corpse.

My way of flirting with girls in bars is to stare directly at them and mouth the lyrics to the current background song.