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Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn't actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Do foot fetishists know about vaginas?
Giving a man 'the silent treatment' is like giving a girl a spanking. It's meant to be punishment, but it really, really isn't.
I was wondering what meat was in my Big Mac, but then I looked at Ronald MacDonald's scary clown smile, and I knew that it was children.
It's about time they updated the marriage vows to "Till death, boredom, lies, abuse and/or infidelity do us part."
"A friend is a single soul, dwelling in two bodies."
- Paris Hilton.
Just kidding, it was Aristotle... But can you imagine!?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I told my girlfriend I wanted to do things to her that were illegal in some places.
She thought I meant filthy sex. I actually meant murder.
I want to fuck you, but I'm not IN want to fuck with you.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
When Joaquin Phoenix goes on skiing holidays, he's Joaquin in a winter wonderland.
Say what you want about me, BUT YOU LEAVE THE HORSE I RODE IN ON OUT OF THIS.
It's a good thing I'm not Batman, because there's NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Just unblocked a vacuum cleaner with a coat hanger, so I guess I've technically qualified for a Mexican medical license.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep 'sheeps' and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
My way of flirting with girls in bars is to stare directly at them and mouth the lyrics to the current background song.
There are two types of women:
Those I'd fuck, and those I'd fuck if I'd been drinking.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we're with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St... to the ship.
I think (I'm awesome), therefore I am (awesome).
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
I would've made an awesome cut-throat, golden age pirate; if it wasn't for all this fear and cowardice.