I often imagined Mr Potato Head would put butter, sour cream and chives on the Mrs before eating her out.

My doctor told me to limit my use of alcohol. So I'm meeting my new doctor for drinks tonight.

Nothing makes you like a fat pig more than answering the waitress with hand signals while stuff yur face. "so how is everything?"

Top Republicans demand to see Uncle
Sam's birth certificate proving he was actually "born on the 4th of July".

Everytime I pull my unit out of my pants in the morning, I make the Light Saber noise.

Chase. The perfect name for a bank that has to hunt me down for payments every month.

When I was a kid I wanted to be a cow cuz I thought they had 5 weiners.

"Shes an easy lover" -Phil Collins 1984. "Shes a blood sucking whore" -Phil Collins 2011.

I love it when someone gives me the thumb and forefinger "Loser" sign, and the L is backwards. Whos the loser now stupid?

Twix and a Kit-Kat casserole, with melted Reese's over a bed of Mounds coconut. -What Im making with leftover Halloween candy.

Got an email from God today saying if I give him my social security number, he can reserve a spot in heaven.

Stripper glitter has a molecular bond stronger than any other element on earth. #OMGStripperFacts

I don't remember MySpace interfering with work this badly.

I wonder if the Hormel Company is still trying to figure out who started calling email SPAM and if they can sue for slander?

I think "cunt" should be spelled "cun't" because a vagina can have a contraction.

Just to let you know, my semen is Gluten free, low calorie, and full of protein. (ok, a little high on sodium, but dont let that stop you.)

TWAT: A SWAT team made up entirely of strippers.

Men: If you should find yourself watching Glee, my prescription is 10 consecutive episodes of "Manswers" on Spike TV.

What's more, a fuck load or a shit load?

I wonder how Mario and Luigi are celebrating Columbus Day? Probably hitting some shrooms no doubt.