I love it when men take their profile pic in the mirror and you can see the scared girl tied up in the corner of the bathroom.

R.I.P. Common sense.

You served a generation well but alas, you are no longer with us. You will always be in our memories.

Every so often, I try to masturbate a large word into conversations, even if I'm not really sure what it means.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Pro tip: Never bite your blow up doll on the tit. She usually farts and flies out the window.

I am the the king of the three stars on favstar.

I love Doggy style. It allows for both participants to watch the same tv show.

Guns don't kill people, husbands who come home early kill people.

With all the government money poured into child services you would think they would do something about Dora's parents considerable neglect.

Old people automatically assume you want to be told their life story when your sitting reading the paper minding your own fucking business.

After my vasectomy, I am now commonly referred to as the Christmas tree. Nice balls but only there for decoration.

That horrible feeling when you sit down on a public toilet and the seat is warm. Yeah that feeling.

When I'm stoned I like to steal ice from the local bar and go down to the river and release them back into the wild.

Good times.

I haven't had sex in so long that I'm afraid that when I cum next it's going to come out like talcum powder.

Just found out shoving small rodents up ones ass is frowned upon in these parts. What do they do for fun then? Strange fuckers.

I must have had a dumbass magnet inserted into my skull by aliens recently. I seem to attract them like shit to a stick.

Trying to get her to #squirt is harder than I thought, plus whales don't like you touching their blow hole.

This unicorn standing at the end of my bed suggests the drugs are getting stronger the older I get.

Pro tip: Don't say Cunt Punt if you plan on keeping your followers.

Cunt punt cunt punt cunt punt. That should weed out the pussies.