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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I towed my car to the mechanic and he said "Looks like you blew a tranny."
"No," I responded. "That's just toothpaste."
True love is when someone is attracted to you for the fact that you're batshit crazy, not despite it.
Hey, Gals! The fastest way to a man's heart is by trying to suck it out directly through his penis as many times a day as you possibly can
There have been reports of cougar sightings in my neighborhood, so I set a trap with Journey's Greatest Hits and a nice cabernet
Fact: The first time a guy gets to shower with a girl, she comes out with the cleanest boobs ever
Spice things up by sprinkling glitter on your penis. She will feel as though she's riding a magical unicorn to a faraway land 3 minutes away
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn't make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It's a sign of advanced intelligence.
Remember, Kids... If you have to ask if she had an orgasm, the answer is no.
Hey, Gang! When a woman dresses sexy, she only wants attractive men to look at her. Not you, ugly creeper douchebag molester fuck.
Remember, Kids... The only thing sexier than a smart woman is a smart woman with a kickin' body who's into anal and owns a liquor store
Did you know? Women have super powers. They can see right through your bullshit.
Hey, everyone using KY:
You know what makes an excellent lubricant?
Licking the clitoris for 10 minutes. Save your money and try foreplay
If your wife/girlfriend asks if there's anyone in the world you'd leave her for, she means actress or model, not a co-worker or her sister
TWITTER AVI GUIDE:
Head Shot: Funny.
Skyline: Not funny.
Drawn smoking a pipe: Huge penis
Women with an insatiable sexual appetite are labeled "Nymphomaniacs." Males with the same affliction are called "Men"
To all the girls I've loved before:
Hey, Kids! What do you get when you choke a prostitute?
Hey, Kids! If you need to borrow my phone to call your mom, just hit redial.
I've created the ultimate babe: 2 vaginas, 4 boobs, and 2 mouths for double oral. Okay, so I duct taped 2 hookers together, but it's awesome
I'm shocking like Stephen Hawking, got a pair like Voltaire. Consider me your personal advisor. Come along with me and live life like a true guy's guy.