Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

I towed my car to the mechanic and he said "Looks like you blew a tranny."

"No," I responded. "That's just toothpaste."

True love is when someone is attracted to you for the fact that you're batshit crazy, not despite it.

Hey, Gals! The fastest way to a man's heart is by trying to suck it out directly through his penis as many times a day as you possibly can

There have been reports of cougar sightings in my neighborhood, so I set a trap with Journey's Greatest Hits and a nice cabernet

Spice things up by sprinkling glitter on your penis. She will feel as though she's riding a magical unicorn to a faraway land 3 minutes away

Fact: The first time a guy gets to shower with a girl, she comes out with the cleanest boobs ever

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn't make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It's a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

Remember, Kids... If you have to ask if she had an orgasm, the answer is no.

Remember, Kids... The only thing sexier than a smart woman is a smart woman with a kickin' body who's into anal and owns a liquor store

Hey, Gang! When a woman dresses sexy, she only wants attractive men to look at her. Not you, ugly creeper douchebag molester fuck.

Did you know? Women have super powers. They can see right through your bullshit.

Hey, everyone using KY:

You know what makes an excellent lubricant?

Licking the clitoris for 10 minutes. Save your money and try foreplay

If your wife/girlfriend asks if there's anyone in the world you'd leave her for, she means actress or model, not a co-worker or her sister

TWITTER AVI GUIDE:

Head Shot: Funny.
Mirror: Easy.
Animal: Fugly.
Skyline: Not funny.
Cleavage: Boobies.
Drawn smoking a pipe: Huge penis

Women with an insatiable sexual appetite are labeled "Nymphomaniacs." Males with the same affliction are called "Men"

To all the girls I've loved before:

Penicillin

Hey, Kids! What do you get when you choke a prostitute?

An erection.

Hey, Kids! If you need to borrow my phone to call your mom, just hit redial.

I've created the ultimate babe: 2 vaginas, 4 boobs, and 2 mouths for double oral. Okay, so I duct taped 2 hookers together, but it's awesome