I towed my car to the mechanic and he said "Looks like you blew a tranny."

"No," I responded. "That's just toothpaste."

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

If your boss asks you to put together a presentation on "low-hanging fruit," apparently he's not looking for 47 slides of your dad's nutsack

NO HABLO DUMBASS

Hey, Gals! The fastest way to a man's heart is by trying to suck it out directly through his penis as many times a day as you possibly can

I cloned myself to get twice the work done, but the obnoxious jerk only masturbated all day and beat my high score in Galaga.

FYI: Apparently it's not crop dusting if you shit your pants crab-walking through another department on your way to the lavatory.

Or funny.

Remember, Kids... If you have to ask if she had an orgasm, the answer is no.

Indifference is a dish best served whatever

It's not that I don't know how to spell vagdina...

I just love putting the D in it.

I see it's Mental Illness Night on Twitter again.

That makes it 672 in a row.

Remember, Kids...

It's not the size of your ship that counts, it's your dick.

So is masturbating ~ RT @gwencalvo: Writing is dreaming with your hands.

Remember, Kids... Always remember to wash your hands between eating hot wings and masturbating.

If Tom Cruise doesn't refer to his junk as The Cruise Missile, then he's no top gun at all.

Wonder Woman.

Spider Girl.

Bat Girl.

Miss Marvel.

Black Widow.

Cat Woman.

Scarlet Witch.

*I'm a heroine addict.

Remember, Kids... When in doubt: anal.

Dear 15 year-old me:

It will be a rough couple of months, but you will return to your dream job of filling Twinkies with your magical cream

I BANGED YOUR MOM AND ALL I GOT WAS

Hi, I'm your Dad.

Penis is so confused that we can buy Kleenex with lotion already in it, but not tube socks.