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I went to my doctor for a 4 hour erection and he was like, “Did you just see Magic Mike twice?” And I was all, “busted”, and then we danced.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Sometimes I take Dairy Queen coupons to Burger King, and when they refuse them, I scream “That’s your fucking wife!!!”
Bragging about paying 13% in taxes is like wanting an award because you threw a can at a homeless person that bounced into a recycling bin.
Please pray for all the silver medalists being brutally murdered in China this week.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back to you, guess what? YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH A WITCH.
Leonardo DiCaprio is such a method actor, that for the role of Jay Gatsby he spent twenty years living as a handsome, charming millionaire.
If you are ever at a playground and someone asks you which kid is yours, just for fun tell them you haven't decided yet.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Puck from The Real World just got 2 years in prison. He's about to find out what happens when ppl stop being polite and start getting real.
"Dear Roger Goodell, remember how you fucked our season? Oops, the lights are out." -New Orleans
If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people... like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
Gingrich claims we'll have a moon base by his 2nd term. Do you know how hard it is to craft a sentence where moon base isn't the crazy part?
“Do you like apples?”
“Well your brother's dead and you're going to rot behind bars… how do you like them apples?”
There are always more heroes rushing into nightmares than there are fuckheads trying to cause them.
The Dems should have an empty chair on stage for the entire DNC, and when anyone asks who it belongs to, they can say Osama bin Laden.
If you're enjoying this day off from work, please take a moment to thank all of our super racist ancestors who made it possible.
"I'm giving up for Lent." -Pope Benedict
The only thing worse than bumping into Facebook friends while you’re with your Twitter friends is when your Myspace friends try to rob you.
Trump and Palin met for pizza tonight. Pizza was the smartest one in the room.