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Arizona: "At least we're not Texas."
Texas: "At least we're not Florida."
Florida: "You can't prove we're Florida."
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I went to my doctor for a 4 hour erection and he was like, “Did you just see Magic Mike twice?” And I was all, “busted”, and then we danced.
Sometimes I take Dairy Queen coupons to Burger King, and when they refuse them, I scream “That’s your fucking wife!!!”
Bragging about paying 13% in taxes is like wanting an award because you threw a can at a homeless person that bounced into a recycling bin.
"Homosexuality is evil! Now twirl around on the ice for a piece of jewelry." -Sochi
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back to you, guess what? YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH A WITCH.
Kesha is Gaga without talent.
Gaga is Madonna without talent.
Please pray for all the silver medalists being brutally murdered in China this week.
A soul patch is a check engine light for people.
Leonardo DiCaprio is such a method actor, that for the role of Jay Gatsby he spent twenty years living as a handsome, charming millionaire.
If you are ever at a playground and someone asks you which kid is yours, just for fun tell them you haven't decided yet.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people... like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
Puck from The Real World just got 2 years in prison. He's about to find out what happens when ppl stop being polite and start getting real.
If you're feeling down about your life, just call a starving African kid and explain fabric softener to him.
Be careful when you're 12, because if you mention one thing you like, your aunt will give you a book about that every Christmas for life.
"Dear Roger Goodell, remember how you fucked our season? Oops, the lights are out." -New Orleans
"The first rhyme that pops into your head is always the best rhyme." -Pitbull's TED Talk
Gingrich claims we'll have a moon base by his 2nd term. Do you know how hard it is to craft a sentence where moon base isn't the crazy part?