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Arizona: "At least we're not Texas."
Texas: "At least we're not Florida."
Florida: "You can't prove we're Florida."
My wife and I are both feminists. But as a man, I’m a tiny bit better at it.
If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people... like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
What a fucking world where Robin Williams has to be depressed and all these other assholes wake up with smiles on their faces.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I went to my doctor for a 4 hour erection and he was like, “Did you just see Magic Mike twice?” And I was all, “busted”, and then we danced.
Sometimes I take Dairy Queen coupons to Burger King, and when they refuse them, I scream “That’s your fucking wife!!!”
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Tim Duncan is going to go absolutely wild tonight. Microwave a pizza, crush a root beer, maybe stay up till 10.
Nazis and the great depression, I get it, Grandpa. But did you have to hear the word 'selfie' every fucking day? Did you?!
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they're in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
If you are ever at a playground and someone asks you which kid is yours, just for fun tell them you haven't decided yet.
The issue isn't whether you would protest in the same way. The issue is that you'll never have to.
I hope the clerk who eventually has to sign release papers for Kim Davis decides it goes against their religious beliefs.
Ultimately if the wall keeps Trump out, I think there's a chance Mexico might pay for it.
Bragging about paying 13% in taxes is like wanting an award because you threw a can at a homeless person that bounced into a recycling bin.
"Homosexuality is evil! Now twirl around on the ice for a piece of jewelry." -Sochi
Ha! Major typo on page 28 of the new iTunes agreement. Anyone else catch that?
Smoke weed, miss 16 games.
Punch woman, miss 2 games.
Beat child, miss 1 game.
Embarrass entire league, stay commissioner.
Grinding, FOX 2015
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