Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Arizona: "At least we're not Texas."
Texas: "At least we're not Florida."
Florida: "You can't prove we're Florida."
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I went to my doctor for a 4 hour erection and he was like, “Did you just see Magic Mike twice?” And I was all, “busted”, and then we danced.
Tim Duncan is going to go absolutely wild tonight. Microwave a pizza, crush a root beer, maybe stay up till 10.
Nazis and the great depression, I get it, Grandpa. But did you have to hear the word 'selfie' every fucking day? Did you?!
Sometimes I take Dairy Queen coupons to Burger King, and when they refuse them, I scream “That’s your fucking wife!!!”
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Bragging about paying 13% in taxes is like wanting an award because you threw a can at a homeless person that bounced into a recycling bin.
If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people... like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
If you are ever at a playground and someone asks you which kid is yours, just for fun tell them you haven't decided yet.
"Homosexuality is evil! Now twirl around on the ice for a piece of jewelry." -Sochi
Ha! Major typo on page 28 of the new iTunes agreement. Anyone else catch that?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back to you, guess what? YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH A WITCH.
Kesha is Gaga without talent.
Gaga is Madonna without talent.
Please pray for all the silver medalists being brutally murdered in China this week.
A soul patch is a check engine light for people.
Leonardo DiCaprio is such a method actor, that for the role of Jay Gatsby he spent twenty years living as a handsome, charming millionaire.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
"Dear Roger Goodell, remember how you fucked our season? Oops, the lights are out." -New Orleans