Nicki Minaj is what cocaine would look like if cocaine could dress itself.

Evolution is survival of the fittest. If it was survival of the smartest, we wouldn't have to keep debating evolution.

I don't understand gay marriage. Why would you marry someone that's not pregnant?

Not everyone makes mistakes. Some people never marry.

Women prefer douchebags & liars. If you don't believe me, ask if their ex is a douchebag or liar.

Kirk Cameron hates gay men so much that now he only has sex with heterosexual guys.

Free porn is wrong. They should make it really expensive so women like it too.

I'm writing a screenplay called "The Ring". It's about how anyone that puts on a wedding ring dies on the inside. It's a documentary...

Halloween costumes are easier for women:

Red string bikini = firefighter
Blue string bikini = cop
White string bikini = polar bear

Most people don't even walk a mile in their own shoes.

One man's trash is another man's 2nd wife.

Every time I look up from my phone while driving, I am disgusted at how badly the rest of you drive.

The best thing about Kansas is that you can drink & drive without hitting anything important.

"Most guys are intimidated by me." ~ women that annoy most guys

Facebook is like seeing your spouse of 10 years naked. Every time you look at it you're bored, but you look at it again the next day.

It's easier to steal someone's girlfriend than their phone.

When a woman says, "I lied to protect you", what she's really saying is, "The guy I slept with behind your back would win in a fight".

I just fell over in a banjo store & it sounded like Mumford & Sons "Little Lion Man".

"Screw you & the Sarah Jessica Parker you rode in on!" ~ me, if I was to ever argue with Matthew Broderick

I like PetSmart because I can fart & no one notices.