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I need to ask my attorney if the years of neglect I suffered shortens the post-divorce timetable to try to have sex with people on Twitter.
Is half a stick of butter too much for 3 small pieces of fish? HAHA RHETORICAL QUESTION... I'm a bachelor now, EVERYTHING gets butter.
So I had a nervous breakdown in 2011 and got divorced in 2012. I guess I should read up on Romney because my 2013 is becoming kinda obvious.
It's really weird, having to start entirely over in a completely empty house. Like, who knew I used cumin so much?
Holy shit. I don't know what meth is like, but I know what blue diamond almonds are like, and I am picking at my face like crazy right now.
Bless my kids. Tonight we started with telling them about the divorce, and ended with them demanding I get a hot tub in my new house.
Lost 30lbs, the ability to sleep, and the ability to eat. If I can get rid of this pesky sense of humor too then maybe I can get a job at E!
Not to make my situation obvious or anything, but can anyone teach me how to cook?
It's a bummer that as my life is now simultaneously way more interesting and way more awful, I really can't tweet about any of it.
At Whole Foods... anyone know where they keep the self-righteousness? Ah, that's right, they keep it EVERYWHERE.
It's really strange how I've completely lost the need to broadcast. Which sucks because I had great ASCII porn ready for my 4000th tweet.
New LoG also prompted Kid3 to say, "We should start a band called Rated R. It's gonna be totally metal." <3
LOL. Only the daughter of an Arch Enemy fan would hear the latest Lamb of God and ask, "Is that a girl singing?"
Well, it took until I was 40 but I finally had rocky mountain oysters. Big fan of balls.
A bum gave me the finger 2 days ago & I imperiously demanded that he "Go away." Thank god I didn't in my terror slip into an English accent.
Weekends spent smashing stuff with my giant sledgehammer are my favorite weekends.
Salt-encrusted wild boar. Seriously.
My coworkers don't know it yet, but today is Cool Word Day.
"Lozenge you glad you didn't say banana?"
Y'know, for example.
bitter, old, bald, boring, drunk, old-@TheDebauchee worse than Hitler-@middleclasstool like the Village People-@Harvey1966 Damn you, Gwog-@lafix