Saw a hitchhiker holding a sign ‘Anywhere But Here’
So I swerved, hit him. Now he’s in a ditch.
Hope that's ok, he wasn't really specific.

Two types of people that irritate me:

1. A drunk person when I'm sober.
2. A sober person when I'm drunk.

"Failed to forward chain letter to 5 friends"

Is what I want my tombstone to read.

They say a girls dream is to find the perfect guy,
when in reality it's to simply eat and not get fat.

Alcohol doesn't solve your problems but it sure gives you an interesting set of new ones!

Picking up someone at a bar drunk,
is like going to the grocery store hungry.
You take home crap you don't need.

A: People.


Q: What stops you from being a people person?

I wish common sense would make a come-back.

I'll get over you way before you get over yourself.

I have a fantasy about having 2 men at once...


1 killing this spider on my wall,
1 opening this jar of pickles.

Trying to be nice to a rude customer and she says:
‘Let me talk to someone higher up’

So I stood on a chair.

If you're horny and you know it, use your hands.

You should start a business... of minding your own.

I have decided to live in the past, it's cheaper there.

Forget the people that unfollow you. You affected their lives. They didn't affect yours.

Good relationships both wear the pants.
GREAT relationships neither wear pants.

I need a hug...or maybe a sniper rifle.

Made many mistakes in my life recently…

So if you don't hear from me, you were one of them.

You left saying I'd never be able to replace you, well I upgraded instead.

I was just awarded a trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.