The disease that's killing off the good ones is called Hate.

Herman Cain's only hope now is for Jerry Sandusky to get in the race.

Writing a horror movie about where I grew up. Calling it "Children of the Corndog."

Ever notice how that guy that works the self-checkout register always knows the code for cucumbers?

If someone asks me a dumb question, I say "let me put on my thinking hat!" Then put a condom over my head and stand there till they leave.

I spend too much time worrying about when all those other shoes are gonna drop.

Now that I finally got my glasses I can actually read your tweets!

Man! Some of you guys really suck!

Creditor left such a sweet message to call back at my earliest convenience. He's been waiting since 2010... Nope, still not convenient.

Drugs are just emotions that life is too stingy to give you.

A brain's beauty can shine so brightly. It has an attraction that is as powerful as any comparable physical attribute. And it ages so well.

I star tweets because there are stars. And there are tweets.

I am a recovering redneck. It's been three weeks since I dry humped a cousin.

After last night's fashion show, it would appear that the days of Victoria having "Secrets" are over.

"Little girls want Barbie dolls and boys want cars. When they grow up, they exchange wants."

Skinny chefs are like fat trainers. You can't trust them.

That's it...not doing drugs anymore...and definitely not any less...

Women and children come forward because politicians and perverts get a little behind.

Starbucks has cornered the market on overpriced, nasty tasting coffee, yes I said it.

Snooki and Miss Piggy: Separated at girth?

ProTip: You didn't build your account alone. Your followers helped. Don't forget where you came from.