Ever get the feeling you're being unfollowed?

My daughter just pointed at a DVD cover and said I look like Johnny Depp. Then asked if I'd buy her something. She's picking it out now.

Sometimes I have that dream where I'm driving backwards, then I wake up and I'm just driving normal.

Two things about me: I never turn down free food, and I am fat.

Even for a jaded guy like me, this elementary school production of EYES WIDE SHUT is adorable.

"I'm sorry, I forgot what you were going to say." - distracted mindreader

The best part about being a big, unattractive old dude is not having to worry about sex offenders. The worst part is being mistaken for one.

Bill Withers sings 'I know' 26 times in "Ain't No Sunshine."

No need to thank me; one day I may ask a favor of you.

I hate it when homeless people watch me eating my delicious money.

Been whistling a lot lately. Oh, and murdering people with hammers. Weird, right?

Thinking of writing a song about my smile since APPARENTLY nobody else is.

THE TIME HAS COME. ARISE MY FOLLOWERS!! LET US GET NACHOS OR SOMETHING. OR MAYBE A BURGER. I DON'T KNOW, WHAT ARE YOU IN THE MOOD FOR?

nothing matters nothing matters nothing matters nothing matters nothing matters nothing matters nice tits nothing matters nothing matters no

Is it possible to unfollow yourself? I kinda suck.

So bored, I could be chairman.

Still not making the most of my Twitter account. Which button makes you a celebrity?

Talking with an interesting old man. Or maybe a mirror. Either way, I'm good looking.

Humor suggestion: use the expression "here's the thing" and immediately drop your pants! I know I'll laugh!

It's so quiet in here I'm afraid people can hear me not working.

Anyone who did laundry yesterday may as well be a murderer.