Tweeting is thinking out loud. Sometimes there isn't even thinking.

I'm beginning to think some of these imaginary friends who live in my computer have self-awareness...

Imagine me as a therapist: "that behavior right there is your problem. Cut that shit out"

Some people think they're tweets don't stink :D

Earthquake in Alaska. The aliens are waking.

My daughter calls cleavage "boob-crack"

I'd love to be twitter elite but I don't have an avi that's boobilicious and I'm not quite enough of an asshole. Close, but not quite.

I'd get a hobby , but it would cut into my twitter time .

Todays tweets may have been brought to you by the letters P, M, and S

Sometimes I think I should spell better in twitter. Then it occurs to me that it doesn't matter, because these people can't actually read.

It's not swearing if you take the vowels out.

I think funny can be done without being gross.

9yo is learning to make fart noises with her armpit: "armpit power!". Good news is, I won't have to worry about her dating too early.

Tweet and be merry. No one is more important than anyone else. Reply, tweet jokes, tweet serious, whatever. It's entertainment not a job

I try, I die. I try, I die. I try, I die. I give up. That's me playing video games.

If I see a retweet about someone bitching about how people tweet, guarantee I won't follow lol.

If other people's opinions anger you, don't follow people.

Do NOT RT this.



Reverse psychology. Let's test it.

I need to get over my twitter addiction. So you all stop tweeting. Kthnx

Trying to set your husband on fire is apology-worthy too