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The best things in life are free..ied. Fried. They're fried.
My life is so pathetic it actually only loaned me lemons.
I wish there was a song out there that could speak to how much like a plastic bag I feel right now.
"Ask about our group discounts!" #funeralhomeslogans
I knew you were trouble when you walked in with that AK-47.
Kim and Kanye's baby is going to look really weird carrying around a big ass and a big head.
When someone sends me a :-) instead of a regular :) I just assume that person is in love with me.
#blamethemuslims is trending but so is SPONGEBOB LIKES SWAG KING so we shouldn't really be concerned with Twitter's opinion.
Oh you love Jesus? Name three of his albums.
Sometimes when I squint my eyes and pout my lips I look like a model.
I didn't do anything useful today so I'd say I'm keeping up with the Kardashians pretty well.
It's so funny when how people call me arrogant, they actually mean gorgeous.
Call me old-fashioned but I still own slaves.
Some people take Twitter way too seriously. RT if you agree and also if you love God.
I knew it was only a matter of time before Rihanna and I had the same haircut.
I'm addicted to painkillers.There, I sedate.
I think I've unwillingly heard Adele's voice more often than my mother's.
I can create an uncomfortable silence in three languages.
Lindsay Lohan died so Emma Stone could live.