The best things in life are free..ied. Fried. They're fried.

My life is so pathetic it actually only loaned me lemons.

I wish there was a song out there that could speak to how much like a plastic bag I feel right now.

"Ask about our group discounts!" #funeralhomeslogans

Kim and Kanye's baby is going to look really weird carrying around a big ass and a big head.

I knew you were trouble when you walked in with that AK-47.

When someone sends me a :-) instead of a regular :) I just assume that person is in love with me.

#blamethemuslims is trending but so is SPONGEBOB LIKES SWAG KING so we shouldn't really be concerned with Twitter's opinion.

Sometimes when I squint my eyes and pout my lips I look like a model.

I didn't do anything useful today so I'd say I'm keeping up with the Kardashians pretty well.

It's so funny when how people call me arrogant, they actually mean gorgeous.

Call me old-fashioned but I still own slaves.

Some people take Twitter way too seriously. RT if you agree and also if you love God.

I knew it was only a matter of time before Rihanna and I had the same haircut.

I'm addicted to painkillers.There, I sedate.

I think I've unwillingly heard Adele's voice more often than my mother's.

I can create an uncomfortable silence in three languages.

Lindsay Lohan died so Emma Stone could live.

A warm toilet seat is my favourite kind of disgusting.

Personally, I'd like to know more about WHO Waldo is.