Twitter is like hanging out with the kids from detention.

I'm not white trash. I'm Caucasian debris.

My spirit animal is a bottle of Jameson

Oh mamas kinda pissed. What kind of pot dealer forgets your order?!? Um...the stoned kind, I guess...

The closest thing I've found to a knight in shining armor around here has gold grill and a crotch rocket with blades on the rims.

I saw your girlfriends pics on fb.
U.G.L.Y. She ain't got no alibi. She's ugly.
Just being real (cuntish)
But it's true.

One of the top ways to get on my shit list? Take the last coke. Fuck with my caffeine bitch. I'll kill you in your sleep!

Boyfriend was trying to give me tips on lying. Bahahaha! Clearly I have been doing a better job than he realizes. Learn from the master.

My 2yo keeps telling me she wants "a cock".
WTF are you talking about?!? Show me.
She wants some pecans .
You can't make this shit up.

A suggestion box? It's right over there. Yes, it does look exactly like a trash can, but be assured, it's a coincidence. Fuck you very much.

Life of a nola bartender. Get off work at a bar and go spend all the $ you made at another bar. Share the love, right?

My sweet 2 y.o daughter sat down beside me, sighed deeply, said "what kinda shit is this??? Fuck!". I totally agree kid. #burninginmommyhell

Nothing like clocking into work and popping a cold beer.

Holy shit. Was that just Shannon Doherty on an education connection commercial? Bless her heart, surely she could find a gig on lifetime?

I wish some customers would hurry up and come come in. I need someone to be hateful and mean to. I don't wanna have to take it out on y'all.

Sweet! Some douchebag just did a face plant off a curb on Bourbon while not spilling a drop out of his green dildo looking ™Hand Grenade.

Autocorrect is a fucking dirty pirate whore.

I have no idea why these people keep expecting me to make them something to drink. Oh. Fuck. It's my job. I wanna go home.

So I keep telling her PA-Con (pee-can to you yankees). She keeps saying back, A COCK!
Pecan!
A cock!
No. Say paaaaa-con.
A Cock!
I give up.

Mucinex, Nightquil, Xanax, and a little pot. Hope to faceplant something soon.