If tweeting was a sport I'd be the fat kid getting everybody water

being the most popular on twitter is like winning the special olympics....at the end of the day you're still retarded

I've settled so much in my life I should be a fucking pilgrim

if you walk in and I'm only wearing one sock....no eye contact please

Twitter, where relationships are lost....and people take shit way to fucking serious....these are just jokes people what the fuck

I wanna get so high that I forget I'm high then get high again then be so fucking high I think the monkey is driving me to the devils house

If my ex fell in the forest I'd be pissed because I didn't hear it

Trying to force a tweet usually doesn't work unless you spit on it first

If you have a good girl don't fuck it up.....that is all

We drink for the pleasure, we drink for d the pain, we drink because everyone else is fucking insane

don't mind me...I'm just going to sit here snort xanax and drink whiskey because that's what responsible adults do on friday nights

fuck all of you attention whores who have nothing better to do than tweet funny shit on twitter all day..........love you

You can't fix stupid, but you can definitely slow it down with questions

according to twitter,you are all similar to me....that's fucking scary

cruising favstar looking for 49 star tweets because I'm not that big of an asshole

Yo,pass me that retweet

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you....the only thoughts going through my mind when on the phone with my ex wife

Shit,if I knew it was gonna be this type of party I would have stuck my dick in the mashed potatoes

I can solve a rubicks cube with the quickness but it takes me thirty minutes to untangle my ear buds WHAT THE FUCK

Broke 400 followers today,I think its a milestone...but I am drinking pbr so what the fuck do I know