Every zoo is a petting zoo if you're not a pussy

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

*Mitt Romney descends from ceiling holding a lantern*

Started a game of hide and seek with my dad 20 years ago haha he's the best where are you man

*Lance begins to cry. Oprah leans in* I think what you need Lance is a....performance enhancing hug

Asked my niece if she had to go number 1 or number 2 and she said "666" and is crawling on the ceiling lol parenting is hard

The worst part about getting my hand stuck in a Pringles can is when I can't get it out because my other hand is stuck in a Pringles can.

The best part about wearing skinny jeans is when I'm digging for change and I accidentally masturbate.

The 80's called they want your hair back HAHAHA jk it was the police your wife has been in a terrible car accident

Nothing hurts like the death of a family member except having a Draw 4 Wild Card thrown on you WHEN I HAVE UNO YOU FUCKING IDIOT SLUT MOM.

For those of you keeping score, it's Pit Bulls -183,435 Kids - 0. That's why I don't want kids. I want winners.

My dream car is shaq wearing heelys holding me up by my hips like simba

FUN PRANK: tweet "going hang gliding!!!!" then don't tweet again for 12 years

The coolest suicide would be to moisturize and not stop moisturizing until you become a tiny pond that fish and turtles live in

Just found out hot moon is called the sun or something that's a dumb name for hot moon

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

My dream car is just Shaq dressed like a fireman carrying me everywhere like he just rescued me from a burning building

*camera pans to ray lewis attempting to shove a whole deer down a juicer*

"I made six figures last year." - Extremely lazy G.I. Joe employee.

Later alligator! Alligator seriously I gotta go. Alligator stop being a clingy bitch. THIS IS WHY YOU HAVENT MET MY FAMILY ALLIGATOR IM DONE