Some women you can't replace.

I was introduced to fisting by Pringles.

A "girl's night out" is actually a grand jury trial with her presenting your case in front of all of her friends.

Never take for granted a woman worth holding on to.

Some people chase dreams. I'm waiting for mine to run of breath.

I'm horrible as a boyfriend. I'm awesome as a sancho.

I haven't gotten laid in so long that I forgot what proper sex etiquette is. I make my own sandwich now right?

I can now identify 5 brands of pepper spray by the burning sensation.

Imagine the worst date you've ever been on... Hi, nice to meet you :)

I like my women a little nutty. Just not transvestite nutty.

Athletic? No. Adventurous? No. Rich? No. Good looking? No. Where are the women looking for a guy that can make a mean PB&J?

Barkeep: Put that away. Me: But I want to stab someone :(

Her: You're too nice to date. (Southern translation: You're ugly, but funny. Pay the bill.)

And then I booped her nose. Because kissing her would have been the romantic thing to do.

Sometimes I annoy the hell out of myself.

I can't wait for ya'll to meet my parents.

To hell with dating. I'm buying a ton of cats and putting all your avi's on them.

My friends are growing up, having families, settling down. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing.

My arm tingles. I think I'm about to get punched.

Women, you should know, if you own really tiny scissors, we've used them to trim our nose hairs.