Marilyn Monroe died 50 years ago today,and yet she is still more relevant than all the Kardashians combined

Quit smoking 5 years ago today. Now I'm addicted to telling everyone how long it's been since I quit smoking

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

Are the drugs working or not working. No idea because I can't stop starring at my feet. My amazing feet

If I like my job am I a "gruntled" employee??

Don't follow me. I'm lost too

The only reason my marriage lasted as long as it did was my jar opening skills

At the mall a woman said to her kid"Boys who don't listen don't get treats". I hope he listened. Truer words were never spoken.

I don't have moves like Jagger. More like Keith Richards. I just kinda stumble and lurch around.

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I'm kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

Saturday morning and I\m watching Scooby Do. Like the last 40 years never happened.

I remember finding out there was no Santa. I was so upset I headed straight to the bar and got so drunk

Sperm bank in Vancouver no longer accepting donations from red heads, I blame Twitter.

1st time wearing a new deodorant. Gonna spend the whole day thinking someone is following me..

My only regrets involve a Klondike bar

I don't allways drink beer but when I do I drink Budweiser.......the least interesting man in the world

Why is the cat staring at me. btw I don't own any pets

Nickelback will be playing Grey Cup. This is why Canada doesn't get nice things.

been asleep on the couch. Hows my hair?

Stop staring at my ankles, What I say to all gay Muslims