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"You are about to eat a terrible cookie." - Honest Fortune Cookie
Period sex? Sure, why not? Hell, this one time, I fucked a stab wound I put in a buffalo.
Hey, don't put your shirt back on...
Gluing this salamander to a kite because PTERODACTYL!
First, I'm gonna titty fuck your butt cheeks, then ima buttfuck your titty cheeks. I'll finish up by cheek fuckin' your titty butt.
I rarely kiss ass. So, when I do, I make sure it's really awkward & creepy & directly on your butthole.
The Valley in the Shadow of Death seems a really silly place to go for a walk.
"It's always the cunt of the group that gets mad when you say cunt." - Common Knowledge Among Non-Cunts
Sometimes, I shamefully delete a tweet that goes unloved. Other times, I re-read it, giggle again, & convince myself you're all stupid.
The first rule of Italian Fight Club is "who the fuck is THIS guy!?!"
Dear witches, why a broom? I'd totally fly around on an enchanted tiger & make it roar in sitcom themes & poop on my enemies. Losers.
I wrote a screenplay about a Mexican boy who saves Xmas w/ the aid of a magical burro that poops hope, called The Mule Log. It's delightful.
There's nothing quite as entertaining & horrifying as seeing a family member who normally doesn't drink getting shitfaced.
Whoa, did you see the similes on that girl? Super tight metaphor, too! I'd alliterate her until I syllogismed all over her onomatopoeia!
My dick is so average, it got an associates degree in accounting.
Conception: women want men to be honest and genuine - Reality: we tried that, and your reactions have conditioned us to lie
I'm so hipster, I've been quoting The Royal Tenenbaums since 1995.
As mayor of Twitterville, I shall lead an invasion of Facebook, where we shall rape their party girl pics and pillage their Farmville crops.
FUCK COUNT CHOCULA, CAP'N CRUNCH IS WAY MORE GOTH, IT CUTS THE ROOF OF YOUR MOUTH, THIS IS A VERY TASTY WAY TO SELF-MUTILATE
Having "CUTE LIFE" tattooed across my stomach in Olde English seemed like a good idea when I was 14 months old.
It's not sexual harassment if you tell her "Oh, sorry! You look just like my friend Jenny."
I am the remaining 27 chimps from the team of typewriting apes who brought you William Shakespeare. We never should have tried to unionize.