Adulting is hard and I don't wanna.

I want to live in a world where no one has to come out as gay because it doesn't matter.

Me: CAT ARE YOU DOING SOMETHING WEIRD? Cat (in distant room): ...mrow.

My best tweets are the ones where I just tweet off the top of my head. It's when I start thinking about them that they suck.

I HAVE THE STRENGTH OF A BEAR THAT HAS THE STRENGTH OF TWO BEARS

I haven't tweeted about sex in a very long ever, so, uh…boners. Like twelve boners.

Shame twitter's so new. Think of all the hashtags we missed out on! #caesarstabbing #titanicsinking #blackdeath #riverphoenix

Why is 'God' trending? What's he done now?

The only way I'm gonna get any work done at this point is for acid to drip on me every time I refresh Twitter.

I can't find anything in the DSM-IV under 'Twitter'.

DEAR ENTIRE WORLD: LIGHTENING IS WHAT BLEACH DOES TO HAIR. LIGHTNING IS WHAT I'M GOING TO STRIKE YOU WITH FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST SPELLING.

I told my cat she's adopted today.

I can't be the only one who wakes up mildly horrified every day.

I know we're limited to 140 characters, but there is never any excuse for using 'u' in place of 'you'.

Every single thing that there is: I hate that.

Sometimes I see tweets the tweeter obviously thought were hysterical and can only think 'Oh, honey.'

Twat. Twat twat twat. What a fantastic word, 'twat'. Twat.

People who claim they're the best fuck you'll ever have probably won't be. Like in real life, it's the quiet ones you have to watch.

Tell me who hurt you, egg avatars.

1. Stand up. 2. Streeeeeetch. 3. Fall the fuck over.