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Adulting is hard and I don't wanna.
I want to live in a world where no one has to come out as gay because it doesn't matter.
Me: CAT ARE YOU DOING SOMETHING WEIRD? Cat (in distant room): ...mrow.
I HAVE THE STRENGTH OF A BEAR THAT HAS THE STRENGTH OF TWO BEARS
My best tweets are the ones where I just tweet off the top of my head. It's when I start thinking about them that they suck.
I haven't tweeted about sex in a very long ever, so, uh…boners. Like twelve boners.
DEAR ENTIRE WORLD: LIGHTENING IS WHAT BLEACH DOES TO HAIR. LIGHTNING IS WHAT I'M GOING TO STRIKE YOU WITH FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST SPELLING.
Why is 'God' trending? What's he done now?
Shame twitter's so new. Think of all the hashtags we missed out on! #caesarstabbing #titanicsinking #blackdeath #riverphoenix
I can't be the only one who wakes up mildly horrified every day.
I can't find anything in the DSM-IV under 'Twitter'.
The only way I'm gonna get any work done at this point is for acid to drip on me every time I refresh Twitter.
I told my cat she's adopted today.
Every single thing that there is: I hate that.
Sometimes I see tweets the tweeter obviously thought were hysterical and can only think 'Oh, honey.'
I think it's evil that deadly weapons and lethal force are a right and healthcare is a privilege.
Twat. Twat twat twat. What a fantastic word, 'twat'. Twat.
People who claim they're the best fuck you'll ever have probably won't be. Like in real life, it's the quiet ones you have to watch.
Tell me who hurt you, egg avatars.
1. Stand up. 2. Streeeeeetch. 3. Fall the fuck over.
I talk a lot but I don't really say anything. Text me: +1 (978) CROWMAN
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