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My best tweets are the ones where I just tweet off the top of my head. It's when I start thinking about them that they suck.
I can't be the only one who wakes up mildly horrified every day.
I think it's evil that deadly weapons and lethal force are a right and healthcare is a privilege.
Also discussing changing my legal name to 'Meh', with no surname. 'Nice to meet you! I'm Bill.' ::offers hand:: 'Meh.'
'At the tone, please speak your name.'
'…uh, I'm sorry, what?'
'"…uh, I'm sorry, what?" has joined the conference.'
Me: CAT ARE YOU DOING SOMETHING WEIRD? Cat (in distant room): ...mrow.
People who claim they're the best fuck you'll ever have probably won't be. Like in real life, it's the quiet ones you have to watch.
Adulting is hard and I don't wanna.
♫ Soft titty, warm titty, sexy bag of fat / Bouncy titty, squeezy titty, I'd hit that ♫
I haven't tweeted about sex in a very long ever, so, uh…boners. Like twelve boners.
I told my cat she's adopted today.
I hate when I wake up tired and swear I'm going right back to bed when I get home. I always get home and am like WOO STAYING UP FOREVERRRR
I mean, I'm not sorry enough to stop fucking whining all the time.
Whenever people under 25 make MySpace references, I have to bite my tongue to keep from yelling YOU DON'T KNOW MAN YOU WEREN'T THERE
One of you fucks got Adele stuck in my head and now I can only express my fury via interpretive dance.
Unfollowed a couple of comedians because their shit was forced and unfunny. I hope their acts are better.
I like that we live in a world where it's a grave insult to call someone a Hufflepuff.
Sometimes I come home and my cat is all MROWMROWMROW and I'm like BITCH I AIN'T WANNA KILL YOU BUT I'LL FUCKIN' DO IT
I'm a huge misanthropist with a serious social aversion, so it makes perfect sense that I've always worked in customer support.
I talk a lot but I don't really say anything. +1 (978) CROWMAN is really my phone number.