YOUR PARTY SUCKED IF I REMEMBER IT

I think "Coupon" would be a cute name for a boy OR a girl.

I wasn't planning on having a nice weekend until this bank teller told me to and now it's like I've got no fucking choice.

Everyone's the anti-Teddy Roosevelt. Speak loudly and carry a brittle twig.

The best part about being on unemployment is being able to say "Doing nothing is my business. And business is good."

People are distracted on their birthdays, so that's the perfect time to unfriend them.

There should be an "Out of Office" automatic email reply for when someone has taken an Ambien.

I just threw a joint out the window. I mean an origami.

Star Trek is more fun if you pretend that every character poking at a screen is frantically ordering from Seamless.

This is a violation of the #SideChick contract. #ThouShaltNotClaimHimPublicly #KnowYourRole pic.twitter.com/nzOiot46WR

I have Leukemia, my mom told me if I got 1 million stars for this tweet that Selena Gomez would take a little piss on me.

Current status: refusing to Google Amanda Bynes.

*jerks off to a picture of a good personality*

"Big plans for the weekend??" Just shut up and make my burrito.

I get dressed to run a lot.

Saw a tweet that said "no one will do but you" and I read it as "no one will do you." Heh…thought they were subtweeting me for a second! 😆

Sure, celebrities put their pants on one leg at a time, but they also often go out without their pants on.

The fact that my browser knows to go to Google Analytics after I type in "anal" makes me feel really unfun.

Never say "I'm not bitter" to a cannibal.

Rapists in the military should all be dishonorably discharged... again.