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STAGES OF DEPRESSION:
1. Drinking alone.
2. Getting a cat.
4. Hoarding cats.
6. Hoarding dead cats.
Meaning of "I'm here for you."
Girls: Count on me, I'll take care of you.
Boys: If you're ever drunk and lonely, maybe we can fuck.
My mom gets to Google by searching for it with Yahoo! (That's all you need to know.)
People who say they're 'living in the moment' must be hitting the refresh button like a motherfucker.
I blame most of my awkwardness on my parents' failure to officially release me from a time-out in 1983.
Guys, before thinking a dude is hitting on you, ask yourself one very important question:
Could he just be Canadian?
My action plan for the hurricane is to stand outside with my pants down and hope some chick gets blown onto my dick.
If you're a chick, and you call yourself a baller, you better be able to get both of them in your mouth.
Dear Married Women in their 20s:
Enjoy your bland, best friend husband while it lasts. I'll see you soon.
Your Sex Drive
When someone says, "It is what it is," it is always shit.
I bet Rick Santorum will fake a sneeze just for the additional blessing.
Friend: You've changed since you started tweeting.
Me: Funnier? More outgoing? Handsomer?
Friend: You speak ... in Twitter.
It's okay to be an open book. But if you're only 200 pages, don't show me 150 on our first date.
The real problem with the 2012 election is that someone is going to win.
10 REASONS I STAR ALL YOUR TWEETS
1. I'm so happy you make me laugh -- for free -- every day.
2-10. I wanna stick my pee-pee in you.
ME: One time, I wore a bandana and fingered a girl at a bar.
CALLER: This makes you QUALIFIED to give free guitar lessons?
SIGN OF U.S. IN DECLINE
Posted 2 ads on Craigslist:
1 to have clogged sink fixed, 0 replies.
1 to have asshole shaved, 78 replies.
Who needs a family and a dog, when my phone and I look soooo cute on this year's holiday card!
I'd rather be indicted than read a poem at your wedding.
Forget tits and motorboating, I'm an assman, I swampboat.
Writer, Aspiring Comedian, Recipient of the only 'Lifetime Achievement Award' ever given out by http://t.co/ZSYhzMxfdq