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  • Halloween_Bag
      Will Madsen @Halloween_Bag

    STAGES OF DEPRESSION:

    1. Drinking alone.

    2. Getting a cat.

    3. Hoarding.

    4. Hoarding cats.

    5. Cutting.

    6. Hoarding dead cats.

    • 511
    • FAVS
    Jenny4ashleyfhbyronnickeee_tweetsHouston_BassAnitaAlibiJim_Jumbo________nonster7DrtyCyborgNinja
    • 256
    • RETWEETS
    alexridleyJenny4ashleyaaronupAnitaAlibiJim_Jumbo________nonster7sammmfoleyJtThomas59
    emirkrtrialfemmeStef_Nfection____
  • Halloween_Bag
      Will Madsen @Halloween_Bag

    Meaning of "I'm here for you."

    Girls: Count on me, I'll take care of you.

    Boys: If you're ever drunk and lonely, maybe we can fuck.

    • 262
    • FAVS
    bohokelsopdx_brunettedeathtoscumbagssouthernginger8Jenny4ashleynonster7KenBOrlandoJust_Kara_
    • 56
    • RETWEETS
    summiesumsumYour_Fav_Mexisouthernginger8Jenny4ashleymariaamilftsst1084Favstar250bulls_horns______
    lorlorlori________
  • Halloween_Bag
      Will Madsen @Halloween_Bag

    My mom gets to Google by searching for it with Yahoo! (That's all you need to know.)

    • 292
    • FAVS
    sasslenaA_DevineDelightsouthernginger8Jenny4ashleyTylerLinkin_Ms_Moneypenny_KenBOrlandoGayDeceiver
    • 54
    • RETWEETS
    Your_Fav_Mexisouthernginger8Jenny4ashleyseppie2007SeanMoran79kindrexKBMpofuOf_colour
    JazzzzzminaTequilaTears
  • Halloween_Bag
      Will Madsen @Halloween_Bag

    People who say they're 'living in the moment' must be hitting the refresh button like a motherfucker.

    • 326
    • FAVS
    A_DevineDelightJenny4ashleynonster7TylerLinkinMr_Dzinkah_Ms_Moneypenny_KenBOrlandoCseashells
    • 50
    • RETWEETS
    Your_Fav_MexiJenny4ashleybradleelockhartpeddro69gavadogPurgeEveryWordvitaminpLippspa
    vitaminpezeddaly
  • Halloween_Bag
      Will Madsen @Halloween_Bag

    I blame most of my awkwardness on my parents' failure to officially release me from a time-out in 1983.

    • 176
    • FAVS
    sasslenaAshKetchmmbriancgTraceykemp8Jenny4ashleynonster7TylerLinkinKenBOrlando
    • 34
    • RETWEETS
    sasslenabriancgYour_Fav_MexiJenny4ashleyteephuknee________somecatbonesdianarchyEnSabahNur78
    hell_or_high______ezeddaly
  • Halloween_Bag
      Will Madsen @Halloween_Bag

    Guys, before thinking a dude is hitting on you, ask yourself one very important question:

    Could he just be Canadian?

    • 150
    • FAVS
    PeterodactyIwes_bushJust_A_Guy72Jenny4ashleyKenBOrlandoDanteEvilCatNyLow9ysasquatch
    • 31
    • RETWEETS
    RedCanoe63M_Foy1DegensAnonymousKamaljot_BrarJust_A_Guy72Jenny4ashleytextbooktommy7someskirt
  • Halloween_Bag
      Will Madsen @Halloween_Bag

    My action plan for the hurricane is to stand outside with my pants down and hope some chick gets blown onto my dick.

    • 121
    • FAVS
    xtianrovicAshKetchmmdeathtoscumbagsJenny4ashleyPortRooster__nonster7NeonWhiskyashgrash
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    Your_Fav_MexiJenny4ashleynonster7DanteEvilCatWhimperBangSidusNovaBucketEBlunt_Arson
  • Halloween_Bag
      Will Madsen @Halloween_Bag

    If you're a chick, and you call yourself a baller, you better be able to get both of them in your mouth.

    • 60
    • FAVS
    _thisisdarrenJenny4ashleybyronblurbCthulhu70________trialfemmeJazzzzzminaTequilaTearsJulisaCP
    • 27
    • RETWEETS
    _thisisdarrenYour_Fav_MexiJenny4ashleyEzelskindvalerielorraine__Favstar500Favscraigl_campbellscottcharley__
  • Halloween_Bag
      Will Madsen @Halloween_Bag

    Dear Married Women in their 20s:

    Enjoy your bland, best friend husband while it lasts. I'll see you soon.

    Sincerely,

    Your Sex Drive

    • 99
    • FAVS
    bohokelsodeejayem_ausasslenab1tchhunterBendybaredeathtoscumbagsJenny4ashleysomeskirt
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    BendybareJenny4ashleyEtherealNomadRaRaRaiganLeftysLunchfantasticfoxgrlFunnyNotFoundFavstar_NSFW
  • Halloween_Bag
      Will Madsen @Halloween_Bag

    When someone says, "It is what it is," it is always shit.

    • 161
    • FAVS
    briansblndgirl__suzebittersweetschmuuurJenny4ashleyashgrashDanteEvilCatSheila_Mac420galiamango
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    fontsoloTinaEzellJenny4ashleynattersss________roadkill3xandreaibuJoleenKayBeeIamMsMoneypenny__
  • Halloween_Bag
      Will Madsen @Halloween_Bag

    I bet Rick Santorum will fake a sneeze just for the additional blessing.

    • 70
    • FAVS
    Jenny4ashleyNeonWhiskyStewieButtmuddashgrashTogsbabbleDasBeeshCarmel_ColemanCountRockula
    • 21
    • RETWEETS
    lolosummer____18_going_on_30saraaoh95Favstar500FavsFreeDumbParkwayHollyGowisely____hippiebuffalo__noelovvv
    vaporcoffinTequilaTears
  • Halloween_Bag
      Will Madsen @Halloween_Bag

    Friend: You've changed since you started tweeting.

    Me: Funnier? More outgoing? Handsomer?

    Friend: You speak ... in Twitter.

    • 148
    • FAVS
    Jenny4ashleyNeonWhiskyashgrashCanadianCheriDanteEvilCatysasquatchAmburglar_Better_Clever
    • 21
    • RETWEETS
    DanteEvilCatMiddleAgedCred____strangerbabbleSuckMySporkCrystalMoonablesingit2meplswonderhellchicredpawn3
  • Halloween_Bag
      Will Madsen @Halloween_Bag

    It's okay to be an open book. But if you're only 200 pages, don't show me 150 on our first date.

    • 73
    • FAVS
    Jenny4ashleyNeonWhiskyashgrashAnyHoleisAGoalBetter_CleverCrazedinNYC______Jenny_tuls________bicbob____________
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    bicbob____________LauraDutty______DavidLMT__________KarenC381EGthe1andonlyFavstar500FavsSeanBlazedBIGDUBBZ__
  • Halloween_Bag
      Will Madsen @Halloween_Bag

    The real problem with the 2012 election is that someone is going to win.

    • 81
    • FAVS
    Jenny4ashleyNeonWhiskybulls_horns______ashgrashSheila_Mac420JazzzzzminabyronblurbBetter_Clever
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    JillianSays_lisssaraeShiringulLilHomie1201ironsunshine687PaperMasked______UGotMeRightSydneyVoth__
  • Halloween_Bag
      Will Madsen @Halloween_Bag

    10 REASONS I STAR ALL YOUR TWEETS

    1. I'm so happy you make me laugh -- for free -- every day.

    2-10. I wanna stick my pee-pee in you.

    • 176
    • FAVS
    Jenny4ashleyKenBOrlandoashgrashDanteEvilCatSheila_Mac420ysasquatchBathing_in_Sin____erica_rosie
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    Better_CleverGoatsMcScroats____NotTooFunnyQUBANQT__________AleiuxRfavstar1000favsLukeIsHereNow____ProfNutcase
  • Halloween_Bag
      Will Madsen @Halloween_Bag

    ME: One time, I wore a bandana and fingered a girl at a bar.

    CALLER: This makes you QUALIFIED to give free guitar lessons?

    ME: Correct.

    • 133
    • FAVS
    Jenny4ashleysk_sophiaashgrashNyLow9ysasquatchCrystalMoonableBetter_CleverYELLlikeme________
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    missmaynmattyrefavstar1000favsabsolutbonerhunterhorrorFlashplumbsL_A_D_Jbear_thryllz
    rockraproll______
  • Halloween_Bag
      Will Madsen @Halloween_Bag

    SIGN OF U.S. IN DECLINE

    Posted 2 ads on Craigslist:

    1 to have clogged sink fixed, 0 replies.

    1 to have asshole shaved, 78 replies.

    • 165
    • FAVS
    Jenny4ashleyTylerLinkinKenBOrlandoDanteEvilCatysasquatchBathing_in_Sin____MykaFoxerica_rosie
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    Tbone7219AsianOtherWhiteAlBundyIVCrazypawsfavstar1000favsiBounceRightBac__SarcasmsWeaponc_echeverri
    missmaynbellicosejason
  • Halloween_Bag
      Will Madsen @Halloween_Bag

    Who needs a family and a dog, when my phone and I look soooo cute on this year's holiday card!

    • 128
    • FAVS
    Jenny4ashleyNeonWhiskyashgrashysasquatchAmburglar_Bathing_in_Sin____CrystalMoonableBetter_Clever
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    MikeRoch69ihateverything6MrErvfavstar1000favsfuuckaliciousxmattsemple77KristiGilliganmissmayn
    missmayn
  • Halloween_Bag
      Will Madsen @Halloween_Bag

    I'd rather be indicted than read a poem at your wedding.

    • 154
    • FAVS
    Jenny4ashleyTylerLinkinsuziqkelleycomedyfishDanteEvilCatSheila_Mac420ysasquatchBetter_Clever
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    suziqkelleyDanteEvilCatMarhlemissmaynprincesskarlieRealPrincessKimfavstar1000favsMikeJeffJordan
    ezeddalyBucketE
  • Halloween_Bag
      Will Madsen @Halloween_Bag

    Forget tits and motorboating, I'm an assman, I swampboat.

    • 147
    • FAVS
    Jenny4ashleyNeonWhiskyashgrashDanteEvilCatSheila_Mac420EtherealNomadysasquatchthenamesmikeG
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    TheLizzyKAustinCyrrudencrudeSaraESpiveyfavstar1000favsJadeR61799NickOBear6Favstar500Favs
    edheenan__________
@Halloween_Bag

@Halloween_Bag

Writer, Aspiring Comedian, Recipient of the only 'Lifetime Achievement Award' ever given out by http://t.co/ZSYhzMxfdq