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My poop face used to be Steve Buscemi, but I’ve lost nine pounds in two days since I switched to the Gary Busey!
I know everyone in OK chose to save their kids & pets, but if I were staring down a tornado, I’d be tearing address labels from my ass porn.
Order of Speaking at Work
1. Your boss’s boss
2. Your boss’s boss
3. Your boss
4. Your boss’s boss
5. Your boss’s boss
6. You(r boss)
The worst thing about getting old is that everyone knows your dreams are never coming true.
Coming Soon: Find my colon, view my colon and get directions to … my colon! Brought to you by Google Body Maps.
Sorry, Galaxy Mega, a guy can’t buy a cell phone bigger than his dick … it’s a rule, you can look it up.
As they say, life is what happens to you while you’re busy masturbating, or something.
Ladies, pro tip, “I lived in Florida for a bit” is a laid-back way to tell a guy you used to strip.
Little Known Fact: Since the invention of high-res ultrasound, the #1 reason for late-term abortions is “Not Cute Enough For Facebook.”
2012: He dumped me by text :(
2022: He dumped me by drone. That’s right … he bombed my muthafuckin’ house :(
Need a ruling here! If your broken DVR didn't record Mad Men, can you murder *1* or *2* cable tv employees? Hurry, they're turning blue.
Juiced Ballplayers: Drop the flaxseed, B12, spoiled-sample, I-did-it-for-family crap. Just say, I wanted better pussy, we'll understand!
Prince: Let's look for the purple banana 'til they put us in the truck, let's go!
Prince as a rapper: Drink that purple drank, hoes, arrff!
Little know fact: http://t.co/YPnmbngM is the leading cause of penile cancer.
The shift from happy to sad feels a lot like ... "we will now return to our regularly scheduled programming."
Exes are like migratory birds - they only make sense after you've studied their patterns of entering and exiting your life.
Sunday night is that poor guy at the concert, who's smoking a cigarette, while everyone else is getting high.
Writer, Aspiring Comedian, Recipient of the only 'Lifetime Achievement Award' ever given out by http://Match.com
