Only 7 more followers until I do absolutely nothing different at all

People say I have anger issues. Fuck them

Women call themselves cougars but they act all offended when I hit them with a tranquilizer dart and lock them in a cage. I don't get it.

Wait, you're supposed to make a draft folder for all your good tweets? I've been just making shit up as I go.

Sometimes after I tweet I just lay with my phone down my pants and wonder what it feels like to be touched by a woman.

Opportunity knocked but I was too busy tweeting to answer the door.

Still waiting for that special girl that will make me want to quit gaming

I save 15% or more on food expenses by sitting on twitter all day.

Hey guys, that whole 'favorite and retweet their tweets and they'll return the favor' that shit actually works.

If you get completely wasted and pass out for a day is it considered time travel?

Oh nothing. Just playing with my belly button and wondering when that restraining order expires

Everybody has a day where they just say "fuck it" and stop caring. This is shaping up to be a full year of it.

When planning a murder, always blame the ugly people.

They aint got no alibi.

Does anybody have any trophies they can give me to take to the pawn shop? Need to pay rent.

I think the twitter part of my brain broke.

The way things are going for me, maybe just selling the rights to my tweets wasn't the best retirement plan.

If girls don't poop then guys never masturbate

OK guys only 927 more followers until I send out that dick picture I promised! ..Wait, why are you all leaving?!

Not even the Twilight Zone is powerful enough to pull me out of The Friend Zone.

You Jesus freaks can say whatever you want. Every Friday is a Good Friday in my book